Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'
by redlamps
Summary: Complete. This is the sixth in a series of short stories. It's a prequel to Courting With Disaster. Can be read as a stand alone. Steph gets a BlackBerry. Lula discovers Harry Potter fan fiction. Babe story.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l and Boy-o for editing and support! Thanks to Rosa for helping with all things British! A special ginormous thanks to bluzkat—fellow Potterhead—for helping with all things HP and BlackBerry. _

S_ummary: Steph gets a BlackBerry. Lula discovers fan fiction. Put them together and you get a Harry Potter, Stephanie Plum Cross-Over, Babe, CrackBerry Fic with a side order of slash…all told through Steph's smart phone. _

_xx Not mine, not making any money xx_

. . . .

**Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'**

. . . .

_**Chapter One - Thursday, August 15**_

* * *

_**8:25 AM**_ _**Turning on. Please wait. Connecting… **_

_**You have one new email message. **_

**To: **Stephanie 'I want you badly, Lester' Plum**  
Sent: **Thur Aug 15, 7:48 AM**  
From: **Lester 'I'm Bringing Sexy Back' Santos

**Subject: **Congrats!

Hey, Gorgeous. Congratulations, it's a…BlackBerry! I didn't even know you were expecting. Well at least now I know why you've been eating for two. (I'm going to pay for that comment aren't I? Shit. What can I say, it was worth it!) It's such a cute little thing; so tiny, yet so powerful!

You have in your hot little hands a smart phone that allows you access to email, text messaging, IM messaging, faxing and web browsing. It also has a video recorder, camera and a multimedia player so you can enjoy your favourite pictures, music, games and videos.

Oh before I forget, you'll have the same phone number as your old cell and I took the liberty of installing some _'special features'_ on your little bundle of joy…just for you. No, no don't thank me. It's just the selfless kinda guy I am. Well, okay if you insist…I could fit in a quickie at noon **;** )

hasta luego L.

* * *

_**9:00 AM**_ _**('The Bitch is Back' ring tone) **__Gah!_

"Hi, Mom."

"Stephanie, this is your mother." _Pause_. "How did you know it was me? That's not a very polite way to answer your phone."

"Mom, have you heard of 'Caller ID not to mention the fact that you've been my mother for over thirty years so you really don't have to identify yourself when you call. Geesh."

"Don't be cheeky, young lady."

_Sigh_. "Did you call for a particular reason?"

"Yes, you're coming to dinner tonight and I want you to bring someone. I don't like the talk going around town that you can't get a man now that Joe has moved on. I'm making cherry cheese cake."

"Mmmm, as tempting as that sounds, no can do Mom, I'm pretty sure I have something else I have to do tonight. Oh and Mom…Joe didn't move on, I kicked him to the curb. And did I tell you about Ella, she's Ranger's housekeeper? She makes a cherry cheese cake that's simply to die for."

_**Beep Beep**_.

"But—"

_**Beep Beep**_.

"Gotta go Mom, I've got another call."

"Stephanie, don't you dare—"

_**Click.**_

* * *

_**9:10 AM**_ _**('I'm Too Sexy' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Hey, Gorgeous."

"Oh my God! Lester, did you program ring tones into my phone?"

_Snigger_.

"You are in so much trouble, buddy!"

"Life's too short, Beautiful. What's the point of living if you can't have a little fun?"

_Sigh_. "Les, did you call for a reason? Not that I mind really. To tell you the truth, you saved me from a fate worse than death."

_Snigger. _"Let me guess, you were on the phone with your mother."

"Bingo. By the way, when you see Ranger would you thank him for adding the 'Call Waiting' option to my phone."

"Will do. Ranger lives to serve you."

_Mumbling_, "I wish."

"What was that?"

"Oh, um, nothing Les."

"Hmmm, I'll let it go for now...but don't think you're off the hook. We _ARE_ going to discuss this…_thing_ between you and Ranger later. Oh and Steph, I called to say I'll be picking you up for gun practice early today."

"WHAT? How early? You can't spring things like this on a girl, ya know! I just can't be ready at the drop of a hat. God!" _Sigh_. "How soon are you going to be here?"

"I'm pulling into your parking lot now."

**"….."**

"Steph?" _Pause. _"You there?"

**"..…"**

"Gorgeous, I wanted to pick you up early so we could go to the Silver Dollar Diner for waffles. I had a craving, But if you don't want to go—"

"Keep the car running. I'll be down in forty-five seconds…wait, make that thirty. I'll wear a hat and take the stairs."

_Snigger._

"Bastard."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**9:28 AM**_ _**('Bootylicious' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

" Hallo Harry."

"Uh, Lula? What's…up?"

"Ssss sssssssss sssss."

"What's that hissing sound? It sounded like a snake."

"I forgot, you don't speak Parseltongue any more. Anyway, I heard you were going to the Silver Dollar with Lester for waffles and me and Connie want you to bring us back something. We're fading away here."

"Lula, how the hell did you know I'm going to the Silver Dollar and what's with the really bad British accent?"

"Honestly Harry, stop thinking like a Muggle. _'Course_ I knew you were going there. And talking funny. Indeed."

"Um…o-kay, whatever. Look Lula, I don't think we'll have time to drop anything off. Les and I have a practice time set up at the Gun Range right after we eat."

"Gun Range, my arse. What about friendship? What about what we've been through together. Connie and me have been with you since our first year at Hogwarts. Just remember, you wouldn't have defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named without us."

"Lula, for the love of God, what are you going on about?" _Pause_. "Oh…wait… I get it. You've been reading Harry Potter fan fiction again, haven't you?"

"…uh, maybe?"

"Lula…Sweetie, you know that's not real, right? There is no 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named'...well, I guess as long as you don't count Vinnie."

"Bloody hell."

_**Click**_.

* * *

**_11:12 am_ **

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Babe

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Ranger

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Babe

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Ranger

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Babe

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Thanks for the phone.

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Babe

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Ranger

* * *

_**12:09 pm**_ _**Text Message From: Connie **_Hey sup? u want 2 c a movie l8r? new batman flick playing. lol. Connie

* * *

_**12:13 PM**_ _**(Dialing.) Ringing.**_

"Hello?"

"Connie, what the hell was all that about? I couldn't even read your message. How about repeating it, in _English _this time?"

"Jeez Steph, get with the program. If you're gonna have a new bad-ass BlackBerry like all the other Rangemen, you're gonna have to learn the lingo."

"Yeah, I'm working on it. Grandma Mazur met me at the office and was showing me some of the cool features on this phone yesterday. Did you know I can do instant messaging and send emails? I can even take pictures and download them. Oh, hey that reminds me…if you got any pictures sent as attachments to your email address from this phone yesterday, just delete them, okay?"

_Laughs_. "Steph, was Grandma skulking around RangeMan yesterday while the guys were down in the gym working out?…Changing?…Oh lord, please say yes…having showers?"

_Groan_.

_**(Keyboard clicking at the sound of email being opened)**_

"Oh Baby…" _Gulp_. "Hey um…Steph? Did your grandma tell you how to download, enlarge and print pictures?"

_**(Thunking heard that sounds suspiciously like a head being repeatedly banged on a desk)**_

"Steph?"

_**Click.**_

* * *

_**12:35 PM**_ _**('I Like Big Butts' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Hey, Bombshell. So you in for the movie tonight or what?"

"Hey Tank. Movie?"

"Yeah, I thought Connie and Lula were going to call you?"

"Um…they got a little distracted. So, uh...you're going to the movie tonight, too?

"Mhmmm."

"And I guess '_other people'_ that we work with might also be going?"

"Yes Bombshell, '_other people' _we work with will be going as well. Was there someone in particular you wanted to know about, hmmm?"

"Oh no. No! You know…just '_the guys'_. It was simply a general inquiry; I was being polite." _Pause_. "So…um, '_the guys' _will be going tonight?"

_Chuckle_.

"You're enjoying this aren't you?

_Chuckle. _"Someone will pick you up at eight thirty. See ya, tonight, Bombshell. Wear your hair down and all curly-like. Some of _'the guys' _I know like it when you wear your hair like that."

"Ugh."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**1:14 PM**_ _**('You're Having my Baby' ring tone) **__(Muttering heard over receiver, "_ _!#!#_ _Lester!")_

"Hello?"

"Yo."

"Yo yourself, Ranger."

"Gonna be stuck in meetings downtown for the rest of the afternoon and won't have time to go back to the apartment. Wanna meet me for dinner before the movie? Seven-ish?"

"Yeah, sure. That'd be great. I can't wa—"

_**Click.**_

_Sigh. _"Bye."

* * *

_**1:21 pm**_

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_You made Ranger's ring tone _'You're having my baby'?_

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_You're dead Les. Dead, I tell you…and they won't find the body!

_**Text Message From: Lester **_Bring it, Beautiful! lol

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_I have three words for you: Ah ah ah ah, staying alive.

_**Text Message From: Lester **_OK, I would argue that's technically six words, but point taken. I'll take care of it_**. **_

* * *

_**1:37 PM**_ _**('Like a Virgin' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Hi ya Stephanie, it's Grandma. How's it going, baby girl?"

"It's good. I'm at work; just doing some computer searches. What've you been up to, or don't I want to know?" _Laughs affectionately._

"Mabel's picking me up in half an hour and then we're heading over to Dougie and Mooner's. We've started a little exercise group."

"Uh-huh…I'm listening."

"What?"

"Spill it Grandma. What aren't you telling me?"

"Dang, I was saving it for after dinner conversation. Preferably, when Ellen was taking a sip of her dinner beverage of choice. If I tell you, there goes the element of surprise."

_Laughs_. "I've got dinner plans tonight anyway Grandma, so tell me what you aren't telling me."

"Tee hee…well see the Dougmeister might have obtained some work-out videos of possibly dubious origin, is all."

"Possession of hot videos? That's a misdemeanor or a felony depending on the value of the goods. Nu-uh. There's more, I know you."

"You're getting all twitchy-eyed again aren't you? Okay fine, they're that Carmel Electric's Aerobic Striptease Series work-out videos. Today were doing the 'Lap Dance and Hip Hop Work-out'."

"And?"

_Huff_. "…And I invited Bernie Schmidt from the Seniors Center over for dinner. I was going to show him some of my new sexy moves after dessert."

"Grandma, you wouldn't!"

"What? Mabel bet me twenty bucks. I'm gonna be—how do them young folks say it—on him like white on rice."

"You're an evil, evil woman, Grandma."

"Thanks baby girl, heaven knows I try." _Titters_.

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**6:30 PM**_ _**Turning off.**_

* * *

_**11:46 PM**_ _**Turning on. Please wait. Connecting… **_

_**Missed call. You have nineteen new messages.**_

_**Message 1: Thur Aug 10 at 6:47 PM Beep. "**_Stephanie. This is your mother. I want you to call me as soon as you get this message! Your Grandmother has gone too far this time. Did you know she was taking lessons in lap dancing? _Oh My God! MOTHER NO! GET OFF THE TABLE RIGHT NO—"_

_**Message 2: Thur Aug 10 at 6:51 PM Beep. " **_STEPHANIE!. This is your mother. Call me as soon as you get this message!"

_**Message 3: Thur Aug 10 at 6:59 PM Beep. "**_**STEPHANIE! THIS IS YOUR MOTHER.** **CALL ME, **_**NOW!"**_

_**Delete Message 4: YES, Delete Message 5: YES, Delete Message 6: YES, Delete Message 7: YES, Delete Message 8: YES**_

_**Message 9: Thur Aug 10 at 8:45 PM Beep. "**_Stephanie? _Hic_. This is your mo-therrrr. How are y-you honey? _Hic. _I had to tell you somethin'…but I..I can't…seem…to—" _Pause _"Hello? Stephanie? Did you call for a reason? Hel-lo?—_Frank, Stephanie called but then the line went dead. I think something's wrong wi—" __**Dial tone.**_

_**You have ten unheard messages. Enter: DELETE ALL. Are you sure you want to delete remaining messages? Enter: YES**_

* * *

_**11:55 PM**_ _**Signing in to Yahoo Messenger.**_

_**witchy woman is now online.**_

**The Boy Who Lived...to blow up cars: **LULA!

**witchy woman: **Wotcher Harry.

**The Boy Who Lived...to blow up cars: **Grrr…

_**The Boy Who Lived...to blow up cars is now offline. Stephanie is now online.**_

**Stephanie: **Lula, stop breaking into my messenger account and changing my display name.

**Stephanie: **And for the love of God, I'm not Harry Potter!

**witchy woman:** cough—polyjuice—cough

**Stephanie: …**

**witchy woman:** Fine, if it makes you feel better Harry, I'll call you Steph

**Stephanie: **Thank you.

**witchy woman:** But I think you're being a right whinger about this.

**Stephanie: **And no more pretending you're British!

**witchy woman:** where's your sense of humour?

**Stephanie: **Lula! That means no spelling British either…we don't put 'u's in words like 'humor'.

**witchy woman: **For your information Miss Know-it-all I wasn't spelling British.

**Stephanie: **I'm waiting…I've been in enough of these stories to know there's a punch line coming.

**witchy woman:** …I was spelling Canadian… so ha!

**witchy woman:** and if you must know, I don't exactly have control over how this story is written if you get my drift…

**Stephanie: **Gah! You enjoy driving me crazy, don't you?

**witchy woman:** (grin)

**Stephanie: **Brat

**witchy woman:** wanker

**Stephanie: **Child

**witchy woman:** tosser

**Stephanie: **Infant

**witchy woman: **berk

**Stephanie: **…Damn. You could go forever couldn't you?

**witchy woman: **I really could. I've got a million of 'em.

**Stephanie: **I give up. (smile) What are you doing?

**witchy woman:** You know…the usual. Just surfin.

**Stephanie: **Mhmmm.

**witchy woman: **Sooo…it was fun tonight, yeah?

**Stephanie: **Sigh. Yeah.

**witchy woman:** You and Ranger seemed pretty close in the cinema. lol

**witchy woman:** Was that his arm I saw around your shoulders? I bet you were right chuffed. lmao

**Stephanie: **It was great but don't get your hopes up. I'm beginning to think he's never going to think of me beyond 'a friend'.

**Stephanie: **I didn't even get a kiss 'good night'.

**witchy woman:** You're just not sending him the right vibes.

**Stephanie: **Lula, I all but climbed into his lap during the scary parts…

**witchy woman:** You need to have a go at stage two of 'The Plan' is all.

**Stephanie: **Oh God…Lula, we've talked about this. I can't, I just can't!

**witchy woman:** You know I'm not going to just give up, yeah?

**Stephanie: **Isn't there something, a little less…drastic and won't end with my untimely demise?

**witchy woman:** Pffft. Hey, I know…we could have a film night this week and invite some mates over.

**witchy woman:** Oh and let's invite Hector. How come we don't hang with him? He probably feels left out.

**witchy woman:** We could rent a bunch of films and have pizza and crisps. Oh and some pints

**witchy woman: **Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain?

**Stephanie:** Isn't that the movie about two cowboys who are gay?

**witchy woman:** Yeah.

**witchy woman:** …don't you think that'd be hot?

**Stephanie: **Huh? What do you mean?

**witchy woman: **You know…two guys…doing it? Don't you think that'd be hot?

**witchy woman:** You still there?

**witchy woman:** Hallo?

**Stephanie: ...**You've discovered Harry Potter slash, haven't you, Lula?

**witchy woman:** …maybe?

**witchy woman:** Oh, bollocks!

**Stephanie: **You need help...seriously. I think they have support groups for this **: )**

**Stephanie: **Say good night Lula

**witchy woman:** Goodnight Lula. :p

_**witchy woman has signed out.**_

_**You are signed out.**_

* * *

_**To be continued…**_

. . . .

_A/N: Lula has come down with a serious case of Fanfictionitus. Will Steph find a cure? Will Grandma Mazur finally succeed in sending Ellen over the edge? Will Steph ever figure out all those damn buttons on her phone? I would love to know what you think..._

_(Stephanie's threat in her text message to Lester re: song 'Staying Alive' refers to the short story, **Cubicle Wars,** where she and the Merry Men become embroiled in an office prank war.)_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l and Boy-o for editing and support! Thanks to Rosa for helping with all things British! Since this is Lula speaking British a la Harry Potter via books, movies and fan fiction, in some instances I went against Rosa's better judgement. Crap, okay I also couldn't resist a cheap laugh. Sorry Rosa! A special ginormous thanks to bluzkat_—_fellow Potterhead_—_for helping with all things HP and BlackBerry._

_xx Not mine, not making any money xx_

. . . .

**Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'**

. . . .

_**Chapter Two - Friday, August 16**_

* * *

_**5:32 AM (Dialing) Ringing. **_

_Yawn_. "Hello?"

"The only question I have Lester is…do I make your death quick and painless or slow and prolong your suffering while you are writhing under my torture."

_Snigger_. "Chiquita, I love it when you talk dirty! But seriously, what are you doing calling me at this hour? Do you know what time it is?"

"Yes, damn it. Thanks to you, I know exactly what time it is, since you decided to program the alarm on my phone to wake me up at five fricking thirty in the morning!"

"Steph." _Yawn_. "Every RangeMan employee was sent an email about my workshop, **Textual Intercourse: A Hands on Approach for BlackBerry Virgins,** but _you_ chose not to attend. I even offered you a private lesson to show you how to work the features of your phone but you weren't interested. I believe you said and I quote, "Oh Lester, how hard can it be. I mean _you're_ teaching the workshop. I figure any idiot can figure it out. And if memory serves, you then let out a very undignified snort."

"Lester, your imitation of a girl's voice doesn't sound at all sexy. In fact, at five thirty in the morning, it's downright unattractive. Just thought you'd want to know."

"Beautiful, maybe next time you won't ignore my emails. Anyway, now that we're both up why don't we hit the gun range before heading into work?

"**…**"

"Steph?…You there? Okay, I'll spring for coffee."

"**…**"

_Grudgingly_, "Fine…and breakfast."

_Growl_. "I've had four and a half freaking hours of sleep, Les. Aaaah...what the hell. The day can only go down hill from here, right? Pick me up in an hour."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**9:30 AM ('That's Amore' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Stephanie. È una bella giornata, no?"

"Um, yes it is beautiful day." _Laughs_. "My Italian's a bit rusty Bobby, but you're doing really well. It sounds like you're going to be ready for your vacation next month but I wonder if the single woman in Rome are ready for you and Lester?"

"Grazie, but forget Lester. Those Italian beauties won't be able to resist my smooth moves. They'll be practically throwing themselves at my feet when I whisper sweet nothings to them...in Italian of course."

_Snorts_. "Yeah, right…well good luck with that."

"So Steph, have you been taking those vitamin supplements I gave you?"

"Yes, dad."

"Don't get smart with me bambina." _Snickers_. "I just wanted to let you know that the First Aid, CPR course scheduled for tomorrow will have a change of venue."

"Oh. Okay."

"It seems a lot of guys can't make it to the session after all. They were really interested when I first told them we would be practicing _Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation on _each other."

"In _English_, Bobby."

"You know, mouth to mouth? Anyway, the guys were practically fighting over themselves to sign up when they saw your name on the list but when I let it slip this morning that I had orders for you to be Hector's partner, they suddenly all had prior engagements. So anyway, it's going to be down in my office instead. It'll just be you and Hector."

"No problem Bobby, so I'll see you tomorrow morning at nine thirty."

"Oh and Steph…Hector said, and I'm doing air quotes here and translating into English, 'If you love your family and want to see them come to no harm you won't tell your crazy friend Lula where you're going tomorrow morning and who you'll be with'." _Pause_. "Do I want to know what that's all about, Steph?"

"I think Hector's got a new best friend…whether he likes it or not."

_Snickers_. "A domani. Buona giornata!"

"You have a great day too. Oh hey Bobby, wait a sec…you said you had _orders_ for me to be Hector's partner?"

_Snickers again_. "Ciao bella."

"But—"

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**10:17 AM ('Muskrat Love' ring tone) **__Aaargh!_

"Yo Ranger."

"Back at ya, Babe."

"Just confirming the job for tonight. Did Tank give you the file?"

"Yep Ranger. Sounds like it'll be a quickie. I should be able to slip in and out of there no problem."

_Almost imperceptible groan. _"Babe."

"I was thinking College slutty for the distraction. Is that okay?"

_Another pants tightening, almost imperceptible groan._ "Mmmmm…"

"Ah, um…fine…well then good, so I'll see ya tonight then."

"…**..**"

"Ranger? Was there anything else I need to know about the job?"

"Job? No. I was just thinking we should go out for a drink after. Interested?"

"Yeah."

_**Click.**_

"That'd be…" _Sigh_. "…great."

* * *

_**10:28 AM**_

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Muskrat Love? That's low, even for you Les.

_**Text Message From: Lester **_lol

_**Text Message**_ _**Sent To: Lester **_I was born and raised in Trenton Les. I know places to hide your body no one would ever think of looking…assuming of course, there's enough left to hide, if you know what I mean.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Excuse me, while I go watch 'Silence of the Lambs' now and make… 'dinner' plans.

_**Text Message From: Lester **_lmao. Be right there. I love that movie and I get all tingly when you threaten me with bodily harm.

_**Text Message From: Lester **_Shall I'll bring the fava beans and a nice chianti…or would you prefer popcorn and diet Coke?

_**Text MessageSent To: Lester **_Ugh.

_**(Ten minutes later) Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Sooo…um, is there popcorn and diet Coke in the Break Room?

* * *

_**12:38 PM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)**_

"Hey Lula."

"Hey yourself. Is Hector around? I've been trying to call him all morning but he's not answering his phone. I've left him tons of phone and text messages but he hasn't gotten back to me."

"Um, I don't know Lula. I've been pretty busy this morning.

"Harry, does _Accio _only work on objects or can it work on wizards too? I mean, if the Hogwart's Express won't come to Hogwarts, I thought maybe Hogwarts can come to the Hogwart's Express, yeah?"

_**(Mumbling heard over the phone, 'Accio Hector...Accio Hector...ACCIO HECTOR!)**_ "Oh bollocks, it's not working. I think something's wrong my 'swish and flick'."

"Unk. Hold that thought, I'm feeling a headache coming on and I'm out of Tylenol.—_For the love of God, would someone please get me some freaking Tylenol NOW!"_

"Sounding a little stressed there Harry. You really should take some Calming Draught. Works wonders. Sooo, about Hector...?"

_Sigh_. "Let me take a quick look around the office."

_**(Muffled conversation as a hand has clearly been placed over the mouth piece.)**_

"No Lula, he's not here and I don't know when he'll be back. Can I give him a message?"

"Damn, I wanted him to go to the shops with me. They're having a great sale on knickers at Victoria's Secret today."

_**(Muffled conversation as a hand has clearly been placed over the mouth piece…again followed by the sound of struggling to get control of the BlackBerry.)**_

"_Gimme the damn phone, I said I'd take care of it."—_"Oh, hey Lula you still there? Yeah um, Hector, he's not around. Nope, not here…at all…and I have absolutely no idea where he is or when he's getting back. In fact, maybe Ranger sent him on a secret mission to another country and he'll be out of touch for a while."

"Bloody hell.—_Oi Connie, Hector's not there_." **(**_**Connie's voice heard in the background, "Language, Lula.")**_

"Oh, is Connie going shopping too? Sounds like fun. Hey, I'm available; I was just finishing up here. You know I'm always up for a good sale."

"**…**"

"Lula?"

"No offense Steph but I really wanted Hector's opinion on these nighties they have in the clearance rack."

"Lula, just because Hector's gay, doesn't mean he's got great fashion sense and likes to go shopping. You're just reinforcing a stereotype, you know."

"Well, I suppose if Hector's not available, you could come instead."

"Jeez, be still my heart. Nothing like making a girl feel welcome…"

"No problem. Send the lift down for us when we get there, yeah? We'll come up and visit with the guys while we're there. Maybe Hector will be back by then. I'm sure he wouldn't' want to miss a good sale. Besides, we could really do some quality bonding."

"NO! DON'T! Come up to the fifth floor, I mean. Um, wouldn't it be easier if I just met you in the parking garage? You know, get to the sale faster? Beat the crowd."

"Hmmm." _A suspicious pause. _" 'Kay…well I'll…call…you…when I pull up."

"Bye Lula…" _**(Angry male voice heard in the background over the receiver… "Su amigo está Lula loco grande—**_**")**

_**Click.**_

* * *

_**1:02 PM **_

_**Text Message From: Lula **_We're downstairs.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_OK. Be right down. Let's take one of the SUVs. More room.

_**Text Message From: Lula **_I understand. You don't like small spaces. It's from all those years of living in a cupboard.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Ugh. For the last time…I'm not Harry Bloody Potter!

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ SILENCIO, half blood!

* * *

_**2:42 PM ('The Bitch is Back' ring tone)**_

"Hi, Mom."

"Stephanie, this is your mother." _Frustrated_ _pause_. "You enjoy tormenting me don't you?"

"Yes?"

_Angry silence._ "Your Grandmother wants to go to the Dickinson viewing tonight at seven o'clock. Can you take her?"

"Sure. I've got a date but it's not until later."

"You've got a date? Who is it? Do I know him? Is he employed? It's not one of those criminals you take in for your job is it? Well, I guess it would be okay as long as he wasn't charged with something above a class E felony. Beggers can't be choosers. Oh, I've got to make some calls…"

"Shit…Mom. Stop! It's not an actual _date_, date. It's more like two business associates getting together after work for a drink?"

"You're going on one of those distractions tonight aren't you? You know how I feel about that. I always have to disconnect the phone the next day because of all the phone calls."

"Okay, good to know. So I won't expect to be hearing from you tomorrow then? Great. Tell Grandma I'll see her at six thirty."

"Stephanie, I—"

"—om your br—king up —alk later,"

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**3:39 PM ('Snuffle Bunny - Sweetest Love' ring tone) **__Sigh._

"Yo."

"Back at ya Babe. How's the phone?"

"Great Ranger. Still trying to figure out all of the buttons."

"Reception?"

"Perfect, no problems at all…but don't tell my mother that." _Pause_. "You're smiling…"

"You psychic, Babe?"

"Possibly."

"Tell me something psychic."

"Mmmm okay, let's see…you're wearing black boots, black cargos, a tight black t-shirt and a weapons belt."

"Smart ass."

"You like my ass."

"Possibly."

_(Mumbling to herself, "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.")_ _Pause_. "Ranger, you're smiling again…"

_Chuckle_. "Pick you up tonight at nine thirty."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**3:46 PM**_

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_You have terrible telephone manners. Didn't your mother ever teach you to say 'Good-bye'?

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Babe

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_I'm going to sic my mother on you.

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Should have read the fine print when you signed on at RangeMan.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_RANGER! There was a clause about my mother in the contract?

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Actually, it was a blanket clause to include your entire family. There's a special section specifically for Grandma Mazur.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_WHAT!

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_lol, wear your hair down tonight?

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Um…sure.

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Later

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_And Babe…you're smiling.

* * *

**To: **Laughing Boy Lester**  
Sent: **Fri Aug 16, 2008 4:11 PM**  
From: **Bugs 'How'd you like a carrot shoved up your...' Bunny

**Subject: **Hardy har har

'The Snuggle Bunny Song' is you just being cruel now. Your fate is…hmmm, how should I put this so your juvenile brain can understand? Think Wile E. Coyote splattered at the bottom of a giant ravine…and then a huge boulder landing on him, crushing him beyond recognition. Oh stop sniggering, I can hear you from here!

Seriously though, Grandma Mazur's been asking about 'that blonde studdly hunka-hunka that filled out his speedo so well'. Should I set up a lunch date? If you're worried about being alone with her, I'm sure some of her friends from the Senior Center would gladly come along. They're a very touchy feely group. Yep, just love to pinch cheeks…on the face too.

Not interested? Well, I'm going to be in the office early tomorrow for Bobby's CPR thingy so I expect you to fix the ring tone then. And Les…I'll have Grandma Mazur keep lunch free, just in case you're a no show!

Steph

P.S. Binkie was kind enough to show me the cool GPS features on the BlackBerry. You have a BlackBerry right? Mwah ha ha ha. Now there's nowhere to hide…

P.P.S. Um…I guess there would be no place to hide unless you didn't have your phone will you. Crap.

P.P.P.S. Well, don't worry…I'll still find you!

* * *

_**6:38 PM**_

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Knock, knock

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Um…who's there?

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Who

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Who…who?

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Oh, look the owl post is here with the mail.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_That was beyond corny. Don't quit your day job :P

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Knock, knock

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Stop!

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Knock, knock

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Seriously, stop! I mean it!

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Ah shit…who's there?

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Sara

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Sara who?

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Sara a mediwizard in the house?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_…Groan

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Blimey Harry, that one was funny! You're a right miserable sod today.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_…Aaaaargh!

* * *

_**9:38 PM**_ _**Turning off, saving information.**_

* * *

_**11:46 PM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting… **_

_**Missed call. You have one new phone message.**_

_**Message 1: Fri Aug 16 at 9:46 PM Beep. "**_It's Lula. Go on _'That's Magic'_ Messenger when you get home."

* * *

_**11:28 PM Signing in to Yahoo Messenger.**_

_**all slytherin**_ _**is now online.**_

**Save a Broom, Ride a Seeker: **Ugh. The way I see it Lula I'm already going to kill Lester, so what's one more body to dispose of? And after I hide the evidence of your untimely demise…

**Save a Broom, Ride a Seeker: …**I'm going to strangle Silvio for showing you how to hack into my account!

_**Save a Broom, Ride a Seeker is now offline. Stephanie is now online.**_

**all slytherin:** Don't' be a git, spill it. I want all the juicy details. Tell me you got in some decent snogging!

_**Mafia Princess has joined the conversation.**_

_**Sherman Tank has joined the conversation. **_

_**Don Giovanni**_ _**has joined the conversation.**_

_**Mare has joined the conversation.**_

_**Lester, God's Gift has joined the conversation.**_

**Lester, God's Gift: **What did we miss? You didn't start without us did you?

**Stephanie: **Oh my god! Does everyone know Ranger and I went out for a drink after the distraction tonight?

**Sherman Tank**: Well, everyone who checked their email. Junior was working the Com Room tonight so he was in charge of passing along info to all employees re: 'drinks after distraction intel'.

**Sherman Tank**: Bombshell, if it makes you feel any better he probably didn't forward the email to the Boston, Atlanta or Miami Offices…at least not to anyone below Senior Management.

**Sherman Tank**: I don't think.

**Mafia Princess:** Hey, how come I'm not on the mailing list?

**Mare:** Or me! I have to wait for the Burg Grapevine to hear anything juicy.

**Don Giovanni: **Did anyone get photos?

**Lester, God's Gift: **Screw pictures...Did anyone get video?

**all slytherin:** Would you guys belt up and let the girl talk already?

**Stephanie: **Well…he took me to—

_**Yahoo Messenger service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later.**_

* * *

_**11:59 PM**_ _**Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Call Answer Engaged.**_

"_Hi, this is Stephanie. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the 'Beep'. And don't even think about driving over here tonight to try to pry details from me. I'll be sleeping with my gun under my pillow. Loaded…Um, if this is someone from the Trenton PD—ha-ha-ha—you know I was just kidding about the gun, right?"_

* * *

_**To be continued…**_

_A.N: Is Lula finally on her way to driving Steph loopy? Will Steph ever learn how to adjust her smart phone's alarm so she can get a decent night's sleep? Will Lula track down the elusive Hector? Does Lester taste better with a nice chianti or Diet Coke? Oh, erm, um okay that last one didn't come out just right...though my money's on a nice chianti. Or chocolate sauce._

_I'm taking total blame for the lame Knock, know owl joke but the Mediwizard one was found on the internet as was the term 'Texual Intercourse'. _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l and Boy-o for editing and support! Thanks to Rosa for helping with all things British! Since this is Lula speaking British a la Harry Potter via books, movies and fan fiction, in some instances I went against Rosa's better judgement. Crap, okay I also couldn't resist a cheap laugh. Sorry Rosa! A special ginormous thanks to bluzkat_—_fellow Potterhead_—_for helping with all things HP and BlackBerry. It was a dare. What can I say?_

_xx Not mine, not making any money xx_

. . . .

**Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'**

. . . .

_**Chapter Three - Saturday, August, 17**_

* * *

_**8:34 AM ('Who Let the Dogs Out' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Hi Steph, sorry to bother you. It's Cal."

_Laughs_. "Now I get it…I was wondering who it could be?"

"You've lost me, Steph."

"Oh, sorry Cal. It's just Lester was trying to be funny when he programmed the ring tones into my phone."

"…I see. Well, let's deal with him later. Right now we have a more pressing security issue I wanted to discuss with you."

"Oh, is there a problem?"

"Steph, you know that acquaintance of yours, the um…flamboyant, plus-sized, African-American who on occasion, _allegedly _performs filing at Vinnie's Bond Office?"

"Um…yeah?"

"Well, there's a suspicious looking vehicle parked out front of the building and Binkie suggested it might belong to your friend."

"What's it look like?"

"Pontiac Firebird, two-door coupe, 5.0 V8 engine, automatic transmission, original factory paint in Torch Red, # 4230. Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody' is currently being broadcast to the entire block with some quality sub woofers."

"Yep, that's Lula, alright."

"Is she waiting for you or something?"

"I'll take door number two and go with 'or something'. Don't worry about it Cal, I'll deal with her. Oh and Cal…I left Lester about ten minutes ago. He said he was going to be heading to the Break Room. I wouldn't want you to miss him." _Snorts_.

"Got him on camera. Thanks. Now I think I'll head down to the gym and take Lester along as my sparring partner."

_Laughs_. "Tell him I said 'Hi' ."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**8:40 AM **_

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_What are you doing sitting outside of RangeMan? You're freaking out the guys in the Com Room.

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ I was hoping to catch up with Hector. I heard you were taking a course with him today. We could all meet up later.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_How did you hear about…never mind.

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Tell Hector you want him to come over to your place tonight for a 'Will and Grace' marathon.

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ See, I'm thinking I could be 'Karen' to his 'Jack'. Let's face it, they were the REAL stars of the show.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_No

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Imperio! Tell Hector you want him to come over and have a 'Will and Grace' marathon.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_No

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ CRUCIO!

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_No

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Don't make me AK you cuz I'm a woman on the edge!

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_What the hell is AK?

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Did you even read your own books, Harry? Hallo? AK, you know, Avada Kedavra!

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Oh bloody hell! Are you still there? Did a green flash of light come out of your phone?

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ OMG! I've killed Harry Potter!

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Sigh. I'm still here Lula but I've gotta go. Bobby's pissed I'm on the phone and he's cursing up a storm…in Italian. I'll call you later.

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ If I had a galleon every time you said you'll call later…

* * *

_**9:23 AM Turning off phone, saving information.**_

* * *

_**12:02 PM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting…**_

_**Missed call. You have two new messages.**_

_**Message 1: Sat Aug 17 at 9:13 AM Beep. "**_It's Lula. This could be great. I'm seeing a spin-off series here. See, Hector would work in Security and I'd be his best friend who's British and we'd share a posh flat and get into all kinds of barmy situations. We'd go shopping together, and have film nights as we sit around the telly, and invite quirky neighbours over for playful banter. He could talk to me about his boyfriend and I could sort of accidentally, walk in on them while they're snogging on the sofa and…whew, is it ever getting hot sitting in this car. I'm…I'm going to go home and…have a shower now. Maybe do some um, reading on the computer for a bit before we meet up later. See ya, Harry."

_**Message 2: Sat Aug 17 at 10:31 AM Beep**_. "Stephanie. This is your mother. But then I'm sure you already knew that." _Harumph_. "We're having pot roast with potatoes and gravy for dinner. _And _lemon meringue pie for dessert. My very special recipe. I'm sure that Ranger fellow's housekeeper doesn't know about my very special recipe. I'll see you at six."

* * *

_**12:15 PM (Talking Heads' 'Burning Down the House' ring tone) **_

"Who the hell is this and what are you doing in my apartment? I have Caller I.D. and I can tell your using _my_ phone in _my_ apartment. When I hang up I'll be calling the Police and they're going to go S.W.A.T.- like all over your sorry ass!"

"Cor, take a breath and calm down there Harry. You're gonna blow a gasket'."

"Lula? You scared the hell out of me. What are you doing calling me from my apartment?"

"Did you know you've run out of pumpkin juice and you've got no sweets in your fridge, Harry? The next time we're in Diagon Alley we should stock up on Chocolate Frogs too. Where are you? We've got an appointment at Kim's Nails at twelve thirty. Did you forget? Oh Gods, have you been obliviated?

_Huff. _"I'm about ten minutes away. I'm running a little late but that still doesn't explain why you're answering _my_ phone inside _my_ locked apartment."

"Harry, it's not like your flat's under the Fidelius Charm and I used a basic spell that any first year witch or wizard should know. Can you say, _Alorahmora_?"

"This is me ignoring you."

**"…"**

"Do you remember Mama Macaroni?"

"Lula, that's pretty damn random. Where exactly are you going with this?"

"Now, don't get your knickers in a twist 'til you hear me out. Remember in Eleven on Top how she allegedly was blown up in your car and all they found were assorted pieces of her splattered all over the Kan Klean parking lot?

_Shudders. _"Is there a point here?"

Well, what do you remember most about Mama Macaroni?

_Sigh_. Okay, I'll bite. Um…I'd have to say her mole with the three hairs growing out of it…" _Shudders again. _"…and her piercing stare."

"Precisely! I rest my case."

"Lula, you lost me at 'piercing stare'?"

"You're not very good at this Sherlock Holmes deductive reasoning stuff are you?"

"What are you talking ab—"

"Have you ever noticed that Rex has a _piercing stare_?"

"You've lost me again, Lula."

_**(Horn heard in the background, BEEEEEEEP! followed by incoherent swearing)**_

"_CAN YOU SAY TURNING SIGNAL, ASSWIPE! YEAH…I'M SO SCARED."—Pause_. "Lula! You're going to get me in an accident here. Just spit it out."

_Whispering voice,_ "Harry, They never did find her…her…mole!"

"Oh for the love of—Why are you whispering?"

_Whispering voice again,_ "Shhhh, not so loud. The hairs in her mole. Didn't they kind of remind you of…whiskers?" _Pause_. "I think that Rex is…he's…an…an…animagus! He's really..._Mama Macaroni_!"

"I'm hanging up now."

_Whispering, but raised voice,_ "NO! Don't leave me here alone with her…she's a cold blooded attempted killer. Hey, do you remember the spell that prevents an Animagus from turning back to its original form?"

_(thinking about ring tone)_ "And Lula, for the love of God, stay away from open flames until I get there."

_**Click.**_

* * *

_**12:48 PM ('Like a Virgin' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Hi ya Stephanie, it's your Grandma. Just wanted to give you a head's up. You probably want to avoid the house and your mother for the rest of the day."

"Hi Grandma. Just a sec…I'm putting you on speaker phone. I'm at Kim's getting my nails done."

"Oh this is even better. Is the place full?"

"Uh, pretty much." _Pause_. _Voiced laced with suspicion,_ "Why? What are you up to?"

_Speaking louder so her voice is overheard by Burg busybodies eavesdropping while pretending they're reading old copies of Reader's Digest, _**"**MABEL'S ON HER WAY OVER TO PICK ME UP FOR OUR WORK-OUT. WE'RE DOING THAT CARMEL ELECTRIC'S 'STRIP TO FIT' VIDEO TODAY."

"Hey, that's bloody brilliant, Grandma M. Can I borrow the video some time to watch on my telly?"

"Stephanie, is that, that nice black prostitute friend of yours, Lola?"

"My name's _Lula _Grandma M. and it's _former_ black prostitute, though I prefer the term 'Professional Escort'."

"_Lula, for God's sake don't distract her…I'm trying to get information here."_—"Okay Grandma, finish the story."

"Oh well, as I was saying, we've been doing theses slutty work-out videos at Dougie and Mooner's and I might have possibly mentioned it a bit too loudly while me and Mabel was getting our hair done at the Clip and Curl this morning. If I've timed it correctly, news should be hitting the Burg Grapevine and getting back to your mother about fifteen minutes _after_ Mabel's comes to pick me up."

"Wow, Grandma M., you're truly devious. If you ever decide to become a Dark Lord bent on world domination and need an evil minion, I'm the Death Eater for you."

"Hey, that'd be bitchin' Lola. Gotta go. See ya, baby girl."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**1:05 PM (Dialing) Ringing. **_

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dad. It's me."

"Hey Pumpkin. How are ya?"

"I'm good Dad. I just got off the phone with Grandma and I thought you probably want to be otherwise occupied this afternoon. Um, maybe this evening as well.

_Groans_. "I don't even want to know what the old bat is up to. I think an old Army buddy of mine just came into town though and will probably want to reminisce. We were _really_ good buddies so it might take a while to…reminisce. Did you have lunch yet?

_Laughs_. "Pinos in thirty?"

"You betcha. Love ya, Honey."

"Love you too Dad. Um…Dad?"

"Hmmmm?"

"Mom ordered me to dinner tonight."

"Ah…I see. Well, when I call Ellen and tell her about my _old friend_ in town, I'll also mention I ran into you, and I'll tell her you send your regrets."

"You're the best, Dad."

"See ya soon, Pumpkin."

* * *

_**2:25 PM **_

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ Babe

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Ranger

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ Babe

**Text **_**Message Sent To: Ranger **_Ranger. You're a funny guy. I never knew that about you.

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ There's a lot you don't know about me. Interested in finding out more?

**Text **_**Message Sent To: Ranger **_Are you offering to lay yourself bare before me?

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ I will if you will.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Figuratively speaking of course…lol **:** P

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ Where's the fun in that? And I see you're catching on to the text lingo…nice

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ It's a gift. **:** )

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ lol. I'll pick you up at 6:45 for the Adam's surveillance. Come dressed.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_…as opposed to?

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ Weapon's belt, defensive spray, gun…(yes, loaded), cuffs, flashlight…clothing is optional.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Gah!

* * *

_**8:10 PM **_

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Miss. C-6

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Hit. A-9.

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Miss. C-7

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Damn it, Ranger. You sunk my Battleship.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Sigh. Explain why we can't talk again.

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ There might be listening devices planted nearby.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_I thought we were going to be in a nice comfy SUV.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_My ass is cold and numb from sitting on the hard ground and I think a branch is sticking in my…um, leg. (I'm saying this in my whiny voice by the way) **: P**

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_I could massage it for you…your leg. Just lie back. I'm great with my hands. This won't hurt a bit. (This is my wolf grin...by the way)

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_I stepped right into that one didn't I? **:** )

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Oh yeah…

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_What time is it?

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_Babe.

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_It's 5 minutes after the last time you asked. And, your phone does have a clock built in. Should I schedule a private lesson on how to use your phone with Lester?

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Over your dead body! Any Cheetos left?

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_You ate those an hour ago.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Damn.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Ranger…your fingers…they look kinda…orange. Wait. Were you sneaking Cheetos?

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_I was thinking we should increase your physical training…to say 6 times a week?

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_OH. MY. GOD. You were. The guys will never believe this.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_EEP! Okay, okay stop giving me 'THE LOOK'. I won't say a word about it. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Ex-nay on the eetos ch-ay.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_My lips are sealed, see…ZIP!

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Mmmmocking mmy mmmoufth and frowing away dah key.

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Oh crap, shutting up now…

* * *

_**9:16 PM **_

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ What's up Harry ?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula**_ On a stake-out with Ranger.

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Oooh, why don't you have a go at him? see if you can get him starkers then you can tell me all about his naughty bits...lol

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Shhhh, Lula! He's sitting right beside me. You know how he ESPs me all the time!

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ is ickle ronniekins scared?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_I thought you said I was Harry? (smirk)

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Oi Harry, I was just taking the mick out of you. no need to get testy.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Damn, I just got a raised eyebrow. Gotta go!

_**Text Message From: Lula**_ Be careful. Remember…CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

* * *

_**11:38 PM (Dialing) Ringing. **_

"Hello?"

"Hey Mare."

"Hi ya Steph, how's it going?"

"It's good. I'm really tired…I just finished a surveillance shift with Ranger. Hey, what's going on there? It sounds like a party."

"Oh, um…yeah, just having a few people over. You know, kicking back, having a few beers. Lenny took the kids over to his mother's to spend the night." _Pause_. "We, um, would've called you but we heard you were working."

"How did you know…oh never mind. Lula must be there."

"Yeah…"

"Do you know what's gotten into her lately? She's acting really strange. Even for her. I can't tell if she's totally losing it or if she's up to something."

"Oh, well, um…er, I wouldn't worry about it. And, of course I know nothing about it…um, whatever _'it'_ is." _Laughs nervously._ "You know, crazy 'ol Lula. Always, off doing _craaa-zy_ things."

"Steph, just a sec okay? I'm going to go in the kitchen where it's not so noisy. I can't hear a damn thing." Pause. "There, that's better. So…you and Ranger, eh? All alone for the evening. Anything you want to share?"

"Nothing really. It was nice…really nice. We talked, sort of, and joked around but I'm starting to wonder if there ever will be an 'us'. Hey, but at least we're friends right? That's what's important."

"Are you happy with _just_ being friends?"

"…Well no, of course I _want_ more. I think…I think I might love him…I mean really, _really_ love him, ya know. I just…I just don't want to scare him off and lose what we have right now."

_Sigh._ "Oh Steph." _Pause._ "Hon, are you crying?

"No, 'course not." _Sniff_.

"Listen you know how Ranger is. He doesn't exactly show his emotions now does he? You need to let him know how you feel and let him decide if he feels the same. You never know…he may surprise you."

"But what if it freaks him out and I end up pushing him away. No! No way am I risking that! At least this way I get to be close to him, right?"

"Steph, what if's he's feeling the same? Maybe, he's just as much afraid of ruining your friendship as you are? Maybe he's afraid that his lifestyle will scare you off and now you're finally available, you won't want a relationship with him."

_Snort _"Yeah right. Ranger's not afraid of anything."

_Pause_. "You'd be surprised…"

"Huh? What? Wait…do you know something?"

"I'm just saying Steph, if it was left up to you two, you would both be lonely and single the rest of your lives. It would probably take nothing short of divine intervention to finally get the two of you two together."

"Well I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to jump in the shower and head off to bed. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Sure Steph."

"Thanks for listening. Night Mare."

_Laughs_. "Yeah, I know…pun intended. How old are you? Five?" _Laughs_. "Sleep tight, Hon. And Steph, don't worry. Things have a way of working themselves out. You'll see."

_**Click**_. "Yeah Steph, you _will_ see—_"_

* * *

_**To be continued…**_

_A/N: Will Lester survive sparring practice with all of his bits in place? Will Lula be able to talk T.V. network executives into a spin-off series? Will Steph finally get Ranger to admit the truth...that he's really is a closet 'Cheetos' addict?_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: So my muse is still on a whirlwind 'round the world tour leaving me high and dry, but I did get a postcard from her today. Aside from taunting me with alleged Keanu Reeves sightings_—_bitch_—_she told me to leave Chapter Four bloody well alone and post the damn thing already...so here it is for anyone still interested in the story. _

_A huge thanks to Alf, Haleigh.l and Boy-o for editing and support! Thanks to Rosa for helping with all things British! Thanks sooo much to Luisa for the Spanish translation! A special ginormous thanks to bluzkat_—_fellow Potterhead_—_for helping with all things HP and BlackBerry._

_xx Not mine, not making any money xx_

. . . . .

**Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'**

. . . . .

_**Chapter Four - Sunday, August 18 **_

* * *

_**8:52 AM (Dialing) Ringing. **_

"Hello?"

"_Hello_, _Luuu-la_. You'll never guess who's in my kitchen right now making breakfast?"

"How would I know, Harry? I'm not a seer and you know I did right poorly in Trelawney's class."

"Would you call me Steph, damn it and let me give you some clues. He's about three feet tall with hats piled up on top of his head, mismatched socks, and a tea towel tied around him that barely covers his…extremities!" _Deep breath inhaled._ "Lula! Some things were never meant to see the light of day…and one of them is poking out of…bleck! _And_, he keeps muttering to himself, 'Bad Dobby, Bad Dobby.' "

"Oh Dobby the house-elf is there? Bless his little heart. I wondered what happened to the wee fellow after we left Hogwarts."

"Look, I know you put him up to this. I don't know why or how much you're paying Randy Briggs, but I want you to tell him to stop. He's really taking this house-elf act too far."

"Randy? Harry, I'm pretty sure we didn't go to school with anyone by that name. Then again, I guess he _could_ have been a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. No one _ever_ remembers the names of students in _those _houses."

"Lula, he's banging his fingers in the oven because I told him I don't want breakfast a_nd_, he keeps wailing and calling me 'The Great Harry Potter'."

"Well, you _are_ the Saviour of the wizarding world and the pride of Griffindor, after all. You don't want to hurt his feelings do you?"

_Whispering_, "Lula, there is no way in hell I'm eating that breakfast he made. The eggs are slimy and green and there are floating, chunky thingies in the coffee!"

"You know, I've been thinking Harry. I don't like the name Lula much. I've decided you should call me 'Mione."

"I—am—not—calling—you—Mione! That's not even canon for God's sake!"

"Well, you can't call me Ron. Connie's Ron! And before you ask I can't be Neville either. Mary Lou is Neville, but don't tell her. She's under the delusion that she's Fleur. I mean really…that girl doesn't have an ounce of Veela blood in her!"

"LULA!"

"**...**"

"**...**"

"Oh Jeez. Okay, look _Mione_…Tank is going to be here any minute for my yoga session. Can you please tell _Dobby_ to pop back to the…um…castle?" _Pause_. "Pretty please?"

"Have you tried giving him a piece of clothing, Harry? Oh, wait that won't work on a free house-elf. I know…pay him wages. Give him a sickle or two and I'm sure he'll take his leave."

"Ugh!"

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**9:01 AM Turning off phone.**_

* * *

_**11:10 AM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting… **_

_**Missed call. You have three new messages.**_

_**Message 1: Sun Aug 18 at 9:31 AM Beep. "**_Stephanie, this is your mother. I want you to come to dinner tonight and bring a guest. Call me back as soon as you get this message."

_**Message 2: Sun Aug 18 at 10:05 AM Beep. "**_Stephanie, this is your mother. Why haven't you returned my call? I'll expect you for dinner tonight at six. Bring a guest."

_**Message 3: Sun Aug 18 at 10:48 AM Beep. "**_Stephanie, this is your mother! I'm still waiting for you to call me back. It's extremely rude not to return a phone call. I brought you up better than that young lady. You know, when I leave a phone message for your sister Valerie, she always calls me back right away. Why can't you be more like your sister? Do you take any of your responsibilities seriously? Your sister is a very busy wife and mother. She has a household to run, a husband to care for and three children to rear and yet she still finds the time to visit. Dinner is at six o'clock. Don't be late."

* * *

_**11:38 AM (Generic ring tone) Call Display: Unknown Caller **_

"Hello?"

"Stephanie, this is your mother."

_(Mutters under breath, 'Shit!')_ "Oh, hi Mom. It's strange but the Caller ID showed you as having a private number."

"Oh dear, that _is_ sooo strange." _Pause_. "Well, now that I have you on the phone…finally…I want you to come to dinner tonight and bring a guest. We're having a roast with carrots, onions and potatoes—"

"Oh gee Mom, I would love to come to dinner but I already made plans to—"

"_And _Pineapple Upside Down cake."

_(Mutters under breath...again, 'Shit!')_ "Aaaah, ugh…erg…mmmmm...erm….ah...crap. Fine."

"Lovely. I'll see you and your date tonight. Bye dear."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**You have one new email message. **_

**To: **All RangeMan Employees, Trenton, NJ**  
Sent: **Aug 18, 2008 12:21 PM**  
From: **Lester Santos, aka, The Wiz Kid

**Subject: **Blackberry Workshop Series: Part Two

As requested by _upper_ upper management, the name of the Blackberry Workshop Series has been grudgingly changed from '**Blackberry for Complete and Utter Morons**' to the apparently somewhat less offensive and more politically correct if not incredibly boring, '**Blackberry for Beginners**'.

I will be offering the second workshop in the '**Blackberry for Beginners**' (yawn) Series open to all employees on Wednesday, August 21 at 9:00 a.m. The workshop is entitled, **Byte Me: An Introduction into Techno Terminology**. General computer terms will be discussed as well as terminology specifically related to the Blackberry and its functions (e.g. HTML, BIS, SMS—no it's not BlackBerry bondage).

Respond via email if you are planning to attend. Attendance is not mandatory but is highly recommended. Yes, I'm talking to you, Gorgeous!

P.S. Tank said to make sure I mention that cookies and cold drinks will be served.

The Wiz Kid

N.B. To the person who left "Teaching for Dummies" on my desk—Binkie—I just wanted to say thanks. Really, thank you very much. Your vote of confidence in my abilities is overwhelming. To show my gratitude for such a thoughtful gift, I have created a six hour Power Point presentation on this workshop series just for you Binkie…and yes, it's mandatory.

* * *

_**You have one new email message.**_

**To: **All RangeMan Employees, Trenton, NJ, except RangeMan C.E.O.**  
Sent: **Aug 18, 2008 12:39 PM**  
From: **Lester Santos, aka, The Wiz Kid

**Subject: **Name Correction - Blackberry Workshop Series: Part Two

As an addendum to the previous email, please note that there has been a name change of the second workshop in the **Blackberry for Beginners** (yawn) Series.

I have been told to quote the Non-Discrimination and Anti-Harrassment Policy Handbook, "We at RangeMan believe in maintaining a workplace that is friendly to all of its employees not just as a matter of law, but as good citizens."

Accordingly, in the interest of upholding RangeMan's Ethics Policies, the previous title of the second workshop which may have be construed to be contrary to company policies against a 'hostile work environment' as well as sexual harassment policies, has been changed. The workshop formerly entitled, **Byte Me: An Introduction into Techno Terminology** has been renamed, **B**lackberry **I**nformation and **T**echnological **E**tymologies for **M**obile **E**nthusiasts or the acronym, **B.I.T.E. M.E. **

It is strongly suggested however, that you refrain from the use of the above mentioned acronym in the presence of _upper _upper management.

Thanking you in advance for your discretion,

The Wiz Kid

* * *

_**You have one new email message. **_

**To: **All RangeMen Employees, Trenton N.J.**  
Sent: **Sun Aug 18, 2008 1:17 PM**  
From: **Tank

**Subject: **Change of Instructor - Blackberry Workshop Series: Part Two

Please note that there will be a change of instructor for this workshop as Mr. Lester Santos will be unavailable. For those wondering after his last email, no, Mr. Santos is not dead, but he will be unavoidably detained as he will be attending a mandatory Diversity Training Session with the focus on increasing sensitivity to a workplace free from discrimination or harassment on the basis of race, colour, religion, age, gender identity, sexual orientation, national origin, citizenship disability, marital status, pregnancy, veteran status or any other characteristic protected by law.

I will be taking over as instructor of this class. Please direct any inquiries you may have directly to me. Thanking you in advance.

Please note, donuts and coffee will be provided.

Tank

* * *

_**2:50 PM ('She Bangs' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Hola Stephanie. Soy Hector."

"Hector? Oh, um…hi. How's it going?"

"¡Tu amiga Lula es loca y me está enloqueciendo! No para de llamarme y dejarme mensajes. No para de seguirme ha todas partes. Francamente, Lula me asusta. Yo creo que esta posesionada. ¿Sera que toma drogas? Tienes que convencerla que pare. Yo sé que es tu amiga y no quiero lastimarla. "

"Er, um…well, great. That's just great Hector. I'm glad we got that cleared up. Soooo, um, it was nice talking to you too. Have a great day."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**2:58 PM (Dialing) Ringing. **_

"Hello?"

"Lula, what the hell did you do to Hector? He just phoned and he was not a happy Merry Man."

"Hector called? Oh, great! I've been trying to catch up with him all day. I had the cutest matching BFF t-shirts in lavender with loads of rhinestones made for us and I wanted to give him his so we could co-ordinate outfits tomorrow."

"BFF?"

"Best Friends Forever? Du-uhh! So what did he say? Did he mention me?"

"Lula! I have no idea what he said since he was yelling at me in Spanish, but he did mention you and he sounded really pissed. Hector's not exactly someone you want to annoy, Lula. You do realize he didn't get that tear tattoo on his face from being a clown at a carnival, right?"

"Harry, you worry too much. So about tonight…"

"Lula, I'm busy tonight. I've got to go to my parents' for dinner."

"Okay Harry, well we can get together another time. Hmmm, I wonder if Hector wants to do some bonding at Starbucks tomorrow then we could hit the mall?"

"Aarrgh, are you even listening to me? I give up, look I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

" Okay Harry. Don't be a LeStrange-r." _Snorts_.

_**Click.**_

* * *

_**3:32 PM **_

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_How was your session with Tank?

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Hey there! It was good. He brought white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies.

_**Text Message From: Ranger **_lol. Nice. Busy?

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Cleaning up the kitchen. Still! A little _ELF_ made a huge mess this morning **: **s

_**Text Message From: Ranger ?**_

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Don't ask!

_**Text Message From: Ranger**_ Can you go on messenger?

_**Text Message Sent To: Ranger **_Sure.

* * *

_**3:47 PM**_ _**Signing in to Roger's Yahoo Messenger.**_

_**Ranger is now online.**_

**I See Dead People…and Thestrals: **Sigh. Lula likes to hack my account and change my messenger name.

**I See Dead People…and Thestrals: **brb

_**I See Dead People…and Thestrals is now offline. Stephanie is now online.**_

**Stephanie:** I'm back. Hey again.

**Ranger:** Hey yourself. Again.

**Stephanie:** What are you doing?

**Ranger:** In a really dull meeting at RangeMan.

**Stephanie:** Okay, firstly…don't you ever get a day off? It's Sunday! Geesh.

**Stephanie:** And secondly, why are you on messenger if you're in a meeting? Shouldn't you be like paying attention since you're the Big Boss Guy and all?

**Ranger:** Just boring reports from the Accounting Department. Besides, I wanted to talk to you about something…

**Stephanie:** Um. Ok. Sure. Fire away.

**Stephanie:** Ah, not literally. I like my job. Boss is a bit of a pain but you know **;** )

**Ranger:** A wise guy, eh?

**Stephanie:** Ha, Ranger you sound like Curly or Moe. OMG! Ranger, you watched the Three Stooges?

**Ranger:** I did have a childhood Babe.

**Stephanie:** Hehe. Okay sorry. So, you were saying?

**Ranger:** I've been going over employee logged hours and you are above the amount allotted for your part-time status.

**Stephanie:** Oh.

**Stephanie:** It's the extra training the guys are having me do. Not to mention working out with you in the gym three times a week.

**Stephanie:** I can cut back on my hours if that will help.

**Stephanie:** and I could maybe not log my training time.

**Stephanie:** and well I could always do the computer searches from home and I'm probably not as fast as the guys at doing the searches so I don't have to write down all my hours there.

**Ranger:** Babe.

**Ranger:** Stop.

**Stephanie: …**

**Ranger:** I thought you might want to give Vinnie notice. Come work at RangeMan full-time.

**Ranger:** You still there Babe?

**Ranger:** It comes with an apartment on the fourth

**Ranger:** and a pay increase

**Ranger: **Company stock options after you've worked full-time for a year plus other benefits.

**Stephanie:** Wow

**Stephanie:** Ranger

**Stephanie: **that sounds great. Really great!

**Ranger:** Good. See Human Resources tomorrow at nine AM and get the paper work straightened out.

**Stephanie:** Sure and thanks Ranger :)

**Ranger:** You deserve it Babe. I'm proud of you. And I'm not just saying that because I'm your friend, I mean it.

**Stephanie: **Yeah, friends…

**Ranger:** I've got to jump back into this meeting. Talk later?

**Stephanie:** Later.

_**Ranger has signed out.**_

_**You are signed out. **_

* * *

_**5:00 PM (Dialing) Ringing.**_

"Hello?"

"Hi Mare." _Sniff. Sniff_

"Steph, what's wrong? Oh God, did something happen? Are you hurt? Are you in the hospital? Did your car blow up again?"

"N-n-no" _Stuttering breath_.

"Steph, hon...talk to me. You're scaring me."

"I-i-it's Raaa-nnnger. He...he...he..." _Sniff_.

"Damn it Steph. What did he do? So help me…"

"He-e-e off-f-fered me a full-time j-j-job!"

"That bastard! I'll kill him. I'm going to string him up by his—" _Pause_. "What? Wait a sec. He offered you a full-time job?"

"Y-y-yess! Can you believe it?"

"Ooo-kay, I'm clearly missing something here. Which part of him offering you a full-time job am I'm supposed to be all pissed off about?"

"He said he was p-p-pr-proud of m-m-m-me." _Wailing_.

"Yeah Stephie...honey, I'm still not getting the part where I'm supposed to want to go kick his ass yet."

"He said…he said..." _More wailing. _"He said I was his...f-f-f-riend."

_Gasps in horror._ "Oh. My. God! He used the 'F' word? That son of a bitch!" _A large calming breath is exhaled_. "Steph, why don't you have a nice long soak in the tub and we can talk about this when you're feeling a little better."

"I'm s-s-supposed to go to my mom's for dinner at six, and it's already after five o'clock and my face is all red and blotchy and my eyes are all puffy from crying and I don't have a date and I'm never going to hear the end of it. What am I going to do?"

"Okay Steph listen to me...I'm going to make a phone call. Don't worry about dinner tonight, I'll take care of it. You just get yourself into the tub and then relax, maybe watch some Ghostbusters. And stop worrying...trust me, it'll work out."

"Okay, Mare and thanks."

"No problem sweetie. Take care."

"Bye."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**5:25 PM Turning off phone.**_

* * *

_**11:10 PM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting… **_

_**Missed call. You have one new message.**_

_**Message 1: Sun Aug 18 at 5:40 PM Beep. "**_Stephanie, this is your mother. Dinner is cancelled tonight. Your grandmother decided at the last minute to help in the kitchen and completely ruined dinner...except, surprisingly enough, dessert. If you can believe it, she actually tried to flambe the roast with your father's blow torch and set a dish towel and the kitchen curtains on fire. I swear if I didn't know better I would think you put her up to it just to get out of dinner tonight..._Frank, is that the Fire Department at the door? Oh Lord, she phoned the...I'm going to kill her! FRANK, call the Police, there's going to be a murder in the next five minutes and I don't give a damn what the neighbours say_—" _**Dial tone.**_

* * *

_**To be continued…**_

. . . . .

_A/N: After taking assorted odd acting jobs, will Randy Briggs finally land his dream role in the Trenton Community Theatre Group's adaptation of 'Annie'? (I'll leave it up to you to figure out if he wants to play the role of Daddy Warbucks or Annie) Will Lester find a way to get out of Sensitivity training or will he use it to hook up with the very buxom Swedish seminar presenter? (Yes Binkie, I know...some guys have all the luck!) Will Grandma Mazur be able to successfully liberate one very delicious Pineapple Upside Down Cake for Steph while Ellen is distracted putting down newspaper so the Fire Fighters traipsing through the house don't soil the living room carpet? Duh, what am I thinking? This is Grandma M. we're talking about...of course she will!_

FYI, Hector's translated conversation can be found on my bio page.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: I know it's been a while since I've updated so thanks to anyone still sticking with the story. A huge thanks to my Betas for editing and support! Oh and a tip of the hat to ReaderJane and her invaluable online resource over at the Yahoo __PlumFanFictionReference_ _site._

_xx Not mine, not making any money xx_

. . . . .

**Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'**

. . . . .

_**Chapter Five - Monday, August 19 **_

* * *

_**7:32 AM ('You Light Up My Life' ring tone) **__Lester—Must—Die. _

"Hey, Ranger."

"Babe."

"…Did you want something? I was just getting ready for work."

"Open your front door."

"Huh? What do you mean? Just a sec." _Pause_. "Ranger! There are flowers at my door...but then, you knew that. Awww, they're beautiful. What's the occasion?"

"Just an official welcome to RangeMan, and…to say, I'm sorry."

G_ulp_. "You're sorry?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure what boneheaded thing I did but I figure it must've been pretty bad since Tank, Bobby and Lester woke me up in the middle of the night with multiple smacks up the side of the head and a very painful wedgie. They said they were delivering a message from Lula and the girls."

_Snicker._ "Oh, Ranger…I'm really… s_nicker_… really sorry. Are you okay?"

"Hmmm, I'm fine… but, you don't sound especially sorry." _Chuckles. _"Can I take you out for breakfast, anyway?"

"Sure. That'd be great. When did you want to come over?"

"Answer the door Babe."

"Gah! Tell me you aren't outside my door!"

"Okay, I'm not outside your door."

"Um, are you really outside my door?"

"Yes."

"Aaaaah!"

_**Click**_**.**

* * *

_**11:32 AM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)**_

"Hey Lula."

"Hallo, Harry. Seen my man Hector 'round? I wondered if he got the t-shirt I left with Tank and my message about doing lunch today."

"Nope, I haven't seen him at all today but then I've been holed up with Rodriguez in Human Resources for most of the morning. Where are you now?"

"I've been waiting outside of RangeMan for the past two hours. I know I'm a wee bit early for lunch but I wanted to make sure I ran into Hector. We just can't seem to hook up. Huh, if I didn't know better I'd think he was avoiding me."

"Two hours! Lula, your tenacity is admirable... and a little scary. Okay, mostly scary."

"Tenn-ess-ee? Oh, I always wanted to visit Graceland. So many shiny things. Maybe me and Hector could go on a road trip."

"Gah. Forget it. Hey, have you been… what I mean to say is are you… but really I don't see how you could possibly… the logistics of it is staggering… the planning necessary… it would take like a team of people to pull it off. Nah, it couldn't be… but then again it's the freakiest thing—"

"Alright there Harry? You're sounding a little wonky."

"It's just that I've been seeing lots of weird things all morning and I know it sounds crazy but I wondered if you had anything to do with it?"

"Harry, you know what nutters muggles can be. You need to be more specific."

"Well, when I woke up this morning there was a Harry Potter movie mysteriously playing in my DVD player. I don't own any Harry Potter movies, Lula. Then I ran into Mrs. Bestler in the elevator and she had on this t-shirt that said _'Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me'_. Mr. Baddock and Mr. Owens got on the elevator at the second floor and were arguing over who was going to take the Quidditch Cup this year. Oh and at breakfast with Ranger, I could have sworn I saw our waiter with a stick in his back pocket that looked suspiciously like a wand and he asked me if I wanted pumpkin juice with the Breakfast Special. Then, on the drive over to RangeMan there were all of these people that we passed who looked like wizards. We're talking cloaks, pointy hats and broomsticks. It looked like a bloody Wizard's Convention. Oh and I overhead Tank on the phone asking about the Goblins and someone's Gringott's account but when I asked him about it, he denied it. Either _someone_ is playing an elaborate joke on me or I think I'm going crazy."

"That does sound a bit barmy. Oh bollocks, I gotta go! _**(Engine roaring to life)**_ "Hector just tore outta the underground parking lot. Blimey, he banked his SUV on two wheels when he took that corner! Cor, he's driving like he's being chased…_grunt_… by a lunatic." _**(Tires squealing, motor revving and horns honking as the sound of a high speed car chase ensues)**_"You know…_grunt_… he really needs to…_grunt_… slow down… he's gonna lose me."

"Gee Lula, ya think?"

"Later Harry. I've got me..._grunt_… a golden snitch to catch."

_**Click**_**.**

* * *

_**You have one new email message. **_

**To:** All RangeMan Employees, Trenton N.J.**  
Sent: **Aug 19, 2008 12:01 PM**  
From:** Tank

**Subject: **Mercy, Mercy, Mercy!

Oh man, look at this bad girl all pimped out. Click on the arrows and watch her work it… all hot and sleek and oh sooo sexy. She is smokin' hot!

This black goddess is coming home with me. Mmmm, that's right baby, who's your daddy? I am!

Pierre

**Click on Link for latest Blackberry Model**

* * *

_**You have one new email message.**_

**To: **All RangeMan Employees, Trenton N.J.**  
Sent: **Aug 19 , 2008 12:19 PM

**From: **Robert Brown

**Subject: **Change of Instructor - Blackberry Workshop Series: Part Two… Again!

Please note that there will be a change of instructors for this workshop as Mr. Pierre 'Tank' Thomas will be joining Mr. Lester Santos at the mandatory Diversity Training Session with the focus on increasing sensitivity to a workplace free from discrimination or harassment on the basis of race, colour, religion, age, gender identity, sexual orientation, national origin, citizenship disability, marital status, pregnancy, veteran status or any other characteristic protected by law.

I will be taking over as instructor of this class so please direct any inquiries you may have directly to me. A continental breakfast will be provided for all attending this workshop.

Thanking you in advance,

Bobby

* * *

_**2:14 pm**_

_**Text Message From: Les **_Beautiful, you're looking most delectable today.

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_Les, why are you texting me when you're sitting three feet away in Hector's cubicle?

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_Les… Hell-oooo? Anyone home?

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_YO LES! EYES UP HERE!

_**Text Message Sent From: Les **_Can I help it if your bodacious breasts drive me to distraction?

_**Text Message Sent From: Les **_Admit it Beautiful, you want me. Hell, I want me. Seriously, I can barely keep my hands off myself.

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_LOL, you are so full of it!

_**Text Message Sent From: Les **_Yes, I'm full of WIT!

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_Ha, not exactly, but the word I had in mind does rhyme with wit...

_**Text Message From: Les **_Now, now play nice, young lady. I have a message for you from Hector.

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_I'm afraid to ask…

_**Text Message From: Les **_He told me to tell you that you must get your friend to stop stalking him or he will shoot someone.

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_Eek!

_**Text Message Sent To: Les **_Um Les, does he mean me or her?

_**Text Message From: Les **_Hector said… Sí.

* * *

_**2:35 pm**_

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Hey Lula.

_**Text Message From: Lula **_Harry! I lost Hector on the freeway. :(

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Yeah, um about Hector. See actually, he just left on a very long, top secret field assignment in um, a far away remote island where they don't have phone or internet service and you can only get there by ferry that goes to the island once every six months. So, he's not going to be able to get together with you...and he sends his regrets.

_**Text Message From: Lula **_Bloody hell, Harry.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Oh and his twin brother, um, Hector-io will be taking his place here at RangeMan just in case you see someone who looks exactly like Hector walking around.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Oh, and Hector-io doesn't speak English…at all. AND, he's totally, completely, irrevocably heterosexual.

_**Text Message Sent From: Lula **_Damn, and I was going to surprise Hector with tickets to a Cher concert. Maybe Hectorio will go with me?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Yeah, well see, Hectorio… just broke up with his girlfriend who, also surprisingly enough, was a plus-sized, black, former prostitute so you should probably avoid him all together. You don't want to, you know, remind Hectorio of his broken heart.

_**Text Message Sent From: Lula **_Damn, what are the chances, eh?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_You're telling me…

* * *

_**3:34 PM ('The Bitch is Back' ring tone) **_

"Hi, Mom."

"Don't 'Hi, Mom' me young lady. Why did Ranger's housekeeper send a lemon meringue pie over to the house?"

"She did? Wasn't that sweet of her? I happened to mention to Ella the other day how much Dad loves homemade pie and she offered to send one over the next time she was baking. Her lemon meringue pie is legendary around RangeMan." _Pause_. "So, Mom. How was the pie?"

_**Mumbles incoherently**_.

"Pardon Mom, I didn't quite hear you."

_Sigh_. "_I said_ that I never got to taste the pie because your dad and grandmother polished it off before I got home from the hairdressers."

"Wow, it must have been really, really good, huh?"

"Oh Stephanie, would you look at the time! Gotta run, I have some urgent ironing that just can't wait."

_Snickers_. "Well okay then, Mom. Enjoy the rest of your day."

_Sigh_. "Yes, dear."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**5:19 PM ('Bootylicious' ring tone) **_

"Hey Lula."

"You know I've been doing some thinking and I can see now that I was wrong about all this animagus stuff."

"Oh thank God! I'm so glad you've come to your senses, Lula. You know, that fan fiction stuff can really take over your life…mess with your head…cause you to lose touch with reality so that you start to see things that aren't there."

"Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking?" _Snorts_. "Imagine, thinking Rex was Mama Macaroni."

"He he, yeah that was kinda funny now that you mention it."

"_I know!_ How could I possibly think Rex was Mama Macaroni when it's totally obvious he's really Roland Petiak. Remember him? Creepy little twerp, really quiet… and the eyes! It was like light could go in but it wouldn't come out."

"Oh jeez."

"Come on… you have to remember Roland. Lean Mean Thirteen? He tried to burn down the control booth at Manny's Junkyard with a flamethrower… while you were in it? He ended up setting himself on fire and then fell into the car compacter? Ring any bells."

"Yeah, I think I'd remember someone who tried to flambé me…. that's not what I meant."

"See Harry, I've been thinking… what if it was all a ruse, a diversion, a smoke screen? You know, to make us think he caught on fire and fell to his death. He could have apparated away at the last second and then turned himself into a hamster. Who would think to look for him living in a soup can?"

"Unk! For the last time, Lula I am not Harry Freaking Potter and Rex is not one of those Animangy whatchamacallit thingies."

_Harumph_. "Well it's pretty obvious that one of us is delusional here and in serious denial."

"Lula, remind me to give you Tom's business card the next time I see you. He helped me work through some issues I had in the last story."

"Tom?" _Gasp_. "Merlin's beard, you don't mean… Tom Riddle?"

"No, I can't seem to remember his last name but he specializes in helping people…_you know_, like people who are friends with fictional characters."

"Hey, you say that like it's a bad thing. Some of my best friends are fictional characters."

"Yeah, my point exactly."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**8:31 PM ('Like a Virgin' ring tone)**_

"Hey, baby girl."

"Hi, Grandma. What's going on?"

"I'm with Mabel and the boys. We just finished our Carmel Electric Striptease Work-out and now we're heading out on a little field trip. We thought you might want to join us."

_Groan_. "NO! And, for the love of God, don't tell me where you're going because then I'll have to drive over to stop you. I was just about to start my laundry. I'm out of clean underwear and my hair's a mess, I'm in sweats and I just wanted a quiet night in tonight."

"But it's—"

"STOP! Not another word, Grandma."

"Well if you're sure you don't want to join us, sweetie. Though, you might pick up some tips you know, I mean they are professionals, after all."

"Professionals?" _Gasp_. "You're going to a strip club, aren't you? What if someone sees you? Mom would go ballistic."

"Well, now see I knew you could find a silver lining. Pick us up in twenty minutes at Dougie and Mooner's."

"Ugh. Okay fine, but just so you know, I'm only going along to stop you from getting arrested and to keep your picture off of the front page of the news paper. And Grandma…we _are_ going to be incognito, right?"

"Oh don't worry. I don't like panty lines either."

_Pause._

"Not 'c-o-m-m-a-n-d-o' Grandma… gah, nevermind. See ya soon."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**10:31 PM (Dialing.) Ringing.**_

"Yo."

"Yo yourself, Tank."

"Sup, Steph?"

_Nervous laugh_. "Oh he he, yeah…um, nothing much…s'going on…that is. Just… ya know, the… ah, usual for a Monday night. Hey, it was half price wings tonight. Did ya know?"

"Oh? Where was that Steph?"

"At um… _big breath inhaled_… StevieTeezz'sGentlemansClub. And before you ask, I was with Grandma Mazur."

"Say no more. Just pulling out of RangeMan. Be right over to pick you up."

"Oh um, yeah well, I'm not exactly there anymore."

"Explain."

"Well, see it's funny really. Grandma got miffed over something a heckler said about her dancing. Did I mention it was Amateur Night and Grandma decided to show off some of her new moves using the stripper pole?" _Shudders_. "Yeah, not a mental image that's going to be easily erased. Anyway, there was a minor altercation that followed and… and well things sorta escalated and then this bus load of elderly Japanese tourists at the club kinda got caught in the middle. Table and chairs were flying. It was… bedlam. But hey, don't worry those little Asian guys could really hold their own. They were karate chopping and drop kicking like nobody's business."

_Laughs uncontrollably._ "So, l-l-let me get this…_snorts_… s-s-straight." _Gasps for breath._ "Are.. are you telling me that… wait…wait for it…_snorts_… 'Everybody was Kung Fu fighting'!"

"Oh, ha-bloody-ha. Well at least we were tossed out of the club before the shots were fired. The good news is that Grandma didn't hit anyone but, well, my car...didn't make it. Lucky shot really. Right into the gas tank. The explosion was well… you will probably catch it on the eleven o'clock news."

"Damn girl and I missed all the fun? I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about the mayhem and destruction left behind the wake of 'Hurricane Edna'."

"Seriously Tank, you have a very strange idea of foreplay."

_Chuckles_. "So I surmise then, that you're at the police station and this is the one phone call allowed?"

"Well, we _are_ at the police station but thankfully Carl and Eddie were first at the scene. The unregistered, unidentified weapon in question mysteriously disappeared so we were let off with a warning…and a promise from me to babysit Eddie's demon spawn…for the next six months. But to answer your question, yes, we do need a ride home."

"E.T.A. is ten minutes, Steph."

"Thanks, I owe ya one. Hey, Tank?"

"Mmmm?"

"Um, we can keep this between us, right? I mean, there's no need to bother Ranger with this little mishap, don't ya think?"

_Chuckles_. "Sorry Steph, didn't I tell you? Ranger's sitting right here beside me and I had the phone on speaker. The entire time."

"Oh sodding hell. What I wouldn't give for a good Obliviate right about now. Or some Firewhiskey."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_A/N: Is there a cure for Lula's growing Harry Potter fan fiction addiction and has she finally succeeded in dragging Stephanie into the 'World of Potter' with her Delusions of 'Granger'? Will Stephanie be able to tell Ranger how she feels or is she forever destined to a one-sided relationship with her shower massager? In the Bake-Off war it looks like Ella has thrown down the oven mitt...I mean gauntlet. Will Ellen's Sponge cake rise to the challenge? The spoils of war promise to be very tasty. Annoying Ellen? Well, that's the icing on the cake, innit!_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N Thanks for hanging in with me. It's the home stretch… one chapter to go! A huge thanks to my Betas Alf and Bluzie for editing and support! _

_xx Not mine, not making any money xx_

. . . . .

**Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'**

. . . . .

_**Chapter Six - Tuesday, August 20**_

* * *

_**8:04 AM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)**_

_Yawn_. "H-h-ello?"

" 'Lo Harry."

"Huh?…Wha—? Mione? Is that you?"

"All right there, Harry? You don't sound too chipper."

_Groans_. "Oh, it's you, Lula. _Yawn_. What time is it?"

"Just past eight. You sound like you were sleeping."

_Moans_. "I found this… ah… _mumble—Harry Potter—mumble _book left mysteriously on my coffee table and I must've fallen asleep on the couch reading it. _Oh, God!_ I had the worst dream."

"Was it one of _those_ dreams Harry? Was your scar hurting? Is it the rise of a new Dark Lord? D-d-don't panic, just stay calm and l-l-let me think."

"Huh? What—"

"Shhh, Harry. Don't interrupt. Thinking is what I do best as one of your official sidekicks, not to mention the brightest witch of our age. Okay, well it's obvious we don't have time to do research at the library so I think instead you should owl Sirius right away. No wait, bugger it… he died at the end of **'Order of the Phoenix'**. I know, send word to Dumbledore… oh damn, he was AKed in the **'Half Blood Prince'**. Remus then… shite never mind, he was killed along with Tonks, George and Snape in **'Deathly Hallows' **wasn't he? Bollocks! Right then, I've got it… just send a note with Hedwig to McGonagall; she'll know what to do. Blimey, Hedwig was offed in book seven too. Call for Dobby then; he always comes through in a pinch. Oh crap, he bit the dust as well. Bloody hell, I thought this was supposed to be a children's book series. You're screwed, Harry."

"My scar? What are you talking about? **NO**, no Lula, it's nothing like that. I was dreaming… we… we were playing Quidditch and Ranger was watching the game in the stands and then there were Dementors everywhere that were trying to suck out Ranger's soul and I was on my broom but I couldn't get to him because Joyce had cast _Petrificus Totalis _on me and… _**LULA**_**!** Damn you. Look what you've done to me. I'm seeing things and now I'm even dreaming about Harry Potter. You're going to be the death of me."

"Book Seven, Harry. Try to keep up. You died already but no worries, you came back to life."

_Exasperated_ s_igh_. "Seriously Lula, I think you have too much free time on your hands. Have you ever thought about taking up a hobby?"

"Funny you should mention that 'cause I've actually been trying my hand at this writing thing. I thought to myself, 'Hey, how hard can it be?' right? I've been doing some… erm, research into this fan fiction stuff and whew… the things you've been up to Harry… well, you're a right kinky sod now, aren't ya? Blimey, you've shagged just about everyone from Aunt Petunia to Dumbledore. Bloody hell, you've even boinked Hagrid. And don't get me started on the creature fics. You and Nagini… well, I'll never look at snakes the same way again."

"Okay that's creepy and just wrong on so many levels. Damn, look at the time… I gotta go. I'm going to be late for work."

"Let me know if you ever need some good wanking material, Harry… wink, wink."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**9:26 AM (Dialing.) Ringing.**_

_**('Oh-ho-ho-hooooo, Oh-ho-ho-hoooo, Oh-ho-ho-hoooo, Oh-ho-ho-hoooo, Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting…') **_"Control Room, Santos speaking."

"OFF, wise-ass. Turn it OFF, right now, damn it!"

"Now just hold up, Steph. Some of the guys were up all night piecing this little gem together. You don't want to go hurting their feelings, do you?"

"How the hell did you get access to the video from inside the bar and _oh God_… is it playing on monitors _throughout _RangeMan or just on this floor?"

"Well to answer your first question… I know a man who knows a man and to answer your second question, Miami was experiencing technical difficulties with the remote video feed but otherwise—"

"LESTER! Oh hell no! Tell me you did not send it to all of the RangeMan affiliates!"

"Watch this part. It's fucking genius." _**('There were funky China men from funky China Town…') **_

_Laughes hysterically_. "Man, I'm crying here. Come on, Beautiful. You gotta admit adding the Star Wars sound-effects and C.G.I. was primo. Binkie is a fucking computer god."

"Bloody hell, doesn't anyone work around here anymore?"

"This next part is hilarious. Watch your Grandma take out that trucker with a chair and a sucker punch." _Groan_. "Ooooh, that's gotta hurt. Remind me to never piss your Grandma off; she's got one hell of a mean right hook."

"Yeah, hilarious Les." _Pause_. "Oh look, _Ranger's_ back from his early meeting."

_**('It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part—') **__Shit guys, Ranger's back. Cut the video, NOW! _

_**Click.**_

* * *

_**10:35 am**_

_**Text Message From: Connie **_Hey girlfriend. Wanna do lunch at the mall? Lula's feeling frisky and wants to buy some shoes.

_**Text Message Sent To: Connie, **_Sorry, no can do. I'm working on a computer search for Ranger. Lula's frisky? lol What happened?

_**Text Message From: Connie **_She ran into Joyce this morning at the office… literally. Well, technically the door did most of the work.

_**Text Message Sent To: Connie **_Ouch!

_**Text Message From: Connie **_Yeah, you'd think the skank would learn by now not to shoot off her big fat mouth about Lula's affinity for spandex and its ability to s-t-r-e-t-c-h (which I'm pretty sure defies some law of physics).

_**Text Message Sent To: Connie **_A couple of laws at least ; )

_**Text Message Sent From: Connie **_lmao Anyway, it was sooo funny. Joyce was writhing on the floor, screaming, face scrunched up in pain… well it would have been but ya know… botox.

_**Text Message From: Connie **_Here just a sec, I'm going to send you the pictures.

_**Text Message Sent To: Connie **_He he. If Joyce wasn't such a husband-stealing, backstabbing, skip-stealing, loud mouth, blackmailing slag I'd actually feel sorry for her.

_**Text Message From: Connie **_Oh, Lula says she wants me to send you something to read over and that you'll know what it is.

_**Text Message Sent To: Connie **_Sweet Merlin!

* * *

_**12:52 PM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)**_

"Hey, Lula."

"Harry, did you get a chance to read over my story?"

"Oh, um, your story. Yeah, I just finished it while I was eating lunch and erm… it was… ah… kinda hard to put into words… exactly."

"Blimey Harry, I've left you speechless? Fuckin'-A… _cough_… I mean, that's bloody brilliant. I'm better than I thought. So details, details… what did you think of the part in the quidditch stands?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure I'll never look at a broom and a snitch the same way again. Is that even physically possible?"

"Done it."

"Huh. Okay… well what about when they are um… together … er, in the bedroom and she does that thing with her… _gulp_… you know and… and she makes him e-e-ejaculate and it hits the ceiling? I don't think either of those is physically possible."

"Done it and done it."

"Wow… _ahem_… I see." _Pause_. "Really? Ah, then she has like six orgasms in a row and does that thing with the… _cough cough_… um, ceiling fan and hand cuffs. Now, I know for a fact that's absolutely not physically possible."

"Pul-eease… but ya gotta make sure the ceiling fan is anchored to a supporting beam for maximum swing-age."

"No shit? I didn't think you were that flexible. Well, what about when she takes the—"

"Done it."

"And the—"

"Twice. But don't try it yourself. Some things are better left to professionals."

"Well… hell. All of a sudden I feel very...inadequate. I think I need to go re-evaluate my life. And my unhealthy relationship with my shower massager. And get a subscription to Cosmo."

"Sure thing, Harry."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**You have one new email message.**_

**To**: Lester the Jester, Spanky Tanky…**  
Sent: **Tues Aug 20, 2:04 PM**  
From: **Bobby 'I'm a Smooth Operator' Brown

**Subject: **Bellisimo Bambinos

Yes, it's sad but true gentlemen. The show dates and location for the Victoria Secret Lingerie Fashion Show have STILL not been announced. Never fear Les, I'm registered to get an immediate alert the moment the dates are available. In the mean time feel free to browse the 'Sexy Little Things' collection online. See link below.

Bobby

**Click on link for Victoria's Secret's 'Sexy Little Things' Collection**

* * *

_**You have one new email message. **_

**To: **All RangeMan Employees, Trenton, N.J.  
**Sent: **Tues Aug 20, 2:10 PM  
**From: **Robert Brown

**Subject: DISREGARD AND DELETE**

A recent e-mail meant _**solely**_ for members of the Upper Management Team at RangeMan, Trenton with the exception of the C.E.O., was inadvertently sent to all employees instead. Please DISREGARD and DELETE the email!

Thanks, Bobby

* * *

_**2:35 pm**_

_**Text Message From: Lula **_Me and Connie can't decide which sounds better… '_his engorged, pulsating shaft was deep purple as it spurted his seed with the force of a pounding hammer' _or _'his bulging man-meat throbbed with erupting desire as his member raised its bulbous head to the heavens'?_

_**Text Message Sent To: Lula **_Oh God!

_**Text Message From: Lula **_You're right, I'll go with the second one. Thanks!

* * *

_**You have one new email message. **_

**To: **All RangeMan Employees, Trenton N.J.  
**Sent: **TuesAug 20, 2:46 PM  
**From: Carlos Manoso, CEO, RangeMan Securities**

**Subject: Blackberry Workshop Series: Part Two Canceled; Replaced with Mandatory Diversity Training Session for ALL EMPLOYEES**

Please note that the second workshop in the 'Blackberry for Beginners' Series scheduled for Wednesday, August, 21 at 9:00 a.m. will be postponed to a later unspecified date and time.

There has been an increase in unauthorized internet usage by RangeMan employees including Upper Management Team Members (Bobby, Tank and Lester…yes, I mean you!) while at the workplace involving the visitation of websites deemed in direct violation of RangeMan's Ethics Policies and the sending of inappropriate, non-work related e-mails.

As a result, all employees not on duty at the specified time, will be expected to attend a mandatory Diversity Training Session. This session will focus on increasing sensitivity to a workplace free from discrimination or harassment on the basis of race, colour, religion, age, gender identity, sexual orientation, national origin, citizenship disability, marital status, pregnancy, veteran status or any other characteristic protected by law.

The Diversity Training Session will be held on the Second floor Auditorium to accommodate ALL available RangeMan employees.

Please direct any inquiries you may have directly to me though I am certain there won't be any, _**RIGHT?**_

**C. Manoso**

N.B. This is NOT an afternoon social at the Senior's Center. Refreshments will not be served.

* * *

_**2:55 PM ('Wind Beneath my Wings' ring tone) **__Note to self. Torture Lester s-l-o-w-l-y before killing him._

"Hey."

"Babe. I was wondering if you were finished with the Powell search?"

"Yeah, Ranger. I stopped by to give it to you but you were in a meeting, so I left it with Tank. I hope that's okay."

"No problem."

"Um, Ranger, I was wondering if you were interested in coming over for dinner and a movie tonight? I thought I would make my famous Pino's take-out special."

_Chuckles_. "Babe, I'd love to but my sister's in town with a friend from work and they're dragging me out for sushi later."

"Oh… erm… you mean your sister the ah… model?"

"Yeah, she's always trying to set me up with someone she works with."

"Hunh."

"Raincheck, Babe?"

"Hunh."

_**Click**_.

"Crap."

* * *

_**3:11 pm**_

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_'Wind Beneath My Wings'?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Just an F.Y.I. that you're officially dead to me unless you get your sorry ass over here and fix Ranger's ring tone on my phone a.s.a.p.

_**Text Message Sent From: Lester **_lol… Bad day?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Like you wouldn't believe…

_**Text Message Sent From: Lester **_Hey, if you ever need to talk… I'll pretend to listen. ; )

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Thanks. I think.

_**Text Message Sent From: Lester **_Seriously though, I'm here for you, Beautiful. Whatever you need… coffee, donut, wild monkey sex, a sperm donor. Just say the word.

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Les, you're such a man whore. Though all tempting offers, I think I'll just take a Boston Cream, please.

_**(Five minutes later)**_ _**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_WAIT LESTER! Make it two and I'll love you forever!

_**Text Message Sent From: Lester **_lol… Be there if a few. I'll bring condoms too… just in case you change your mind about the wild monkey sex. Unless of course—please God— you've also had second thoughts about needing a sperm donor?

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_You're so selfless. *Insert Burg eye roll here.* Does your friendship know no bounds?

_**Text Message Sent From: Lester **_Beautiful, if you were puking your guts out, I would even hold your hair back. Now, I wouldn't do that for just anyone!

_**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Wow. Not an offer you hear every day… or would want to. Gimme a sec to enjoy this Hallmark moment. Okay, I'm over it.

_**(Five minutes later)**_ _**Text Message Sent To: Lester **_Hey Les… can you make it three? I just know it's going to be a three donut day.

* * *

_**5:32 PM (Dialing) Ringing. **_

"I can't stand it anymore!"

"Hallo, Harry. What's got your wand in a knot?"

"Well let's see… it seems that Trenton has mysteriously had an upsurge in the number of red heads this afternoon. They're _**everywhere**_! Hell, at least five of the Merry Men are now gingers. It looks the city's been overrun with Weasleys. Oh, and now everyone from the guy at the gas station to the clerk at the drug store are calling me Harry… including my own grandmother! Yeah, funny that… I _just happened_ to run into her on the way home from work. Did I mention she was with her crazy cronies Yakko, Wakko and Dot? Oh and they all had on 'Harry's my HomeBoy' t-shirts. AND they're all red-heads!"

"_**Shut! Up!**_ What a coincidence, Harry."

"Pffft, not bloody likely. Oh and I don't know how the hell you pulled it off but there were owls tapping on my bedroom window when I got home which, by the way, scared the hell out of Mrs. Nelson in the next apartment. It must've been a bitch to pull that little stunt off."

_Mumb__les. "You're tellin' me."_

_Sigh_. "I'm not sure what you're playing at but for the love of Merlin Lula, make it stop. I'm ready for the psych ward at St. Mungo's."

"Me, Harry? You're talking codswallop. I have no idea what you're talking about. Soooo… how are things with you and Ranger? My sources tell me you're not making any serious headway with the Boss Man."

"What the hell kinda segue is that?"

"Oh, well see I was just wonderin' if you'd changed your mind and decided to go along with my _Plan_ to bag Ranger. You need to get your sorry, white arse in the game before some model-type bint tries to chat him up and steals him away."

"Model-type bint? How did you know about—? Hmmmm… I think… I'm beginning to… understand." _Growls_. "I smell an underhanded, manipulative, sneaky… underhanded—"

"You said underhanded twice."

"Devious, conniving, scheming rat… and before you say it,it's not Peter Pettigrew!"

"Why Harry, you say the nicest things! Warms my little 'ol Slytherin heart."

"Weren't you sorted into Gryffindor, _Her-mione_?"

"See how Slytherin I can be? I even had the Sorting Hat fooled. So about my plan—"

"Ha, plan shplan. Cracked me, you think? Do you? Hmmm? I think not."

"Harry, you sound like Yoda. Let's save that one for another story, yeah? Oh and I call dibs on Princess Leia; I would totally rock that slave girl outfit."

"Ugh. Lula, I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later. And by later, I'm thinking never."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**6:45 PM Signing in to Yahoo Messenger.**_

_**Sylitherin at Heart is now online.**_

**Time to Get Sirius: **You don't give up do you? You're like a dog with a bone.

**Sylitherin at Heart: **Ha, good one Harry. Sirius… dog… bone.

**Time to Get Sirius: **Lula, I'm really not in the mood for this Harry Potter shite right now.

_**Time to Get Sirius is now offline. Stephanie is now online.**_

_**Mare has joined the conversation.**_

_**Mafia Princess has joined the conversation.**_

_**Mafia Princess: **_Hey guys. What's up?

**Sylitherin at Heart**: Harry's being pissy.

**Stephanie**: Am not.

**Sylitherin at Heart**: Are.

**Stephanie**: Not.

**Sylitherin at Heart**: Are.

**Stephanie**: Not.

**Mare**: Okay, so apparently she's pissy and five years old.

**Stephanie**: Ugh. Really, I'm fine.

**Mafia Princess:** Uh-huh. Riiiiight…spill it girl.

**Stephanie:** No, it's nothing.

**Stephanie:** Hey… did you know Ranger's going out for supper with his sister and her friend?

**Mare:** Not totally shocking… the man *does* have to eat.

**Stephanie:** Did I mention that his sister was trying to play match maker and her friend is a model?"

**Sylitherin at Heart: **You're jealous! That's so cute. 'Harry's got a chest monster, Harry's got a chest monster…'

**Mafia Princess:** Awwww, do you luuur-ve Ranger?

**Mare:** Steph and Ranger, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…

**Stephanie:** Grrrr. And you say I sound like I'm five...

**Sylitherin at Heart: **He he, sorry Harry. We're just taking the piss. I'll call the guys and tell them to give the Boss Man a piece of our mind again. Wedgies are such a very effective tool of persuasion.

**Stephanie:** The hell you will! Look, I've got to find someone for dinner. I'll talk to you later.

**Stephanie:** Gah… I meant something* for dinner.

_**Stephanie is now offline.**_

* * *

_**7:10 PM ('The Bitch is Back' ring tone)**_

"Hello?"

"Why are you answering the phone like that when you know it's me? You've already told me you've got that caller display thing so what are you trying to do? Are you being cheeky?"

"Jeez Mom, I can't win can I? Let's try something… white."

"Black."

"Ah, thought so. Nice to know some things don't change. Did you call for a reason, Mom?"

"Yes Stephanie, I'm baking something special for those nice men you work with and wanted you to come by in the morning to pick it up on your way to work."

"Um, sure I guess. Are you sure you want to—"

"No time for small talk. I've got to get busy. Don't be late tomorrow."

_**Click**_.

_Sigh_. "This is so not going to end well…"

* * *

_**11:57 PM ('Theme from The Godfather' ring tone) **_

"Hey Connie."

"Lula? I take it you found Steph since you answered her cell. Where is she?"

"Her apartment. She was indisposed so I let myself in."

"How is she?"

"It seems our little Harry was doing some Ranger-surveillance 'cause there's sushi take-out from every sushi bar in Greater Trenton sitting on her counter. Seems she passed on dinner though and polished off a bottle of wine instead. She's sleeping it off on the couch as we speak hugging a teddy bear dressed in black commando gear."

"Do you think it worked?"

"She's got 'All By Myself' and 'I Honestly Love You' on repeat."

"Damn. Maybe we went too far getting Ranger's sister involved."

"Hell no! And don't you wimp out on me now that we're so close. _**Everyone **_agreed we were tired of all this damn unresolved sexual tension between those two oblivious dunderheads."

"Okay, well if you're sure…"

"Besides, in for a knut, in for a galleon I always say."

_**Click**_.

_**To Be Continued**_

* * *

_A/N: Ah, so the plot thickens. It seems the slightly unhinged, unassuming—if you don't count neon green spandex—oft underestimated, plus-sized, former prostitute could give the world's evil masterminds a run for their money. Let's listen in to a conversation between Lula and Connie:_

"_Hey, Lula. Watcha doin'?"_

"_I'm composing a scathing rebuttal to a dissertation I read in a literary publication, if you must know."_

"_Oh that's brilliant, Lula. What publication?"_

"_Cosmo's Sex Advice Column."_

"_Gee Lula, that's great. What do you want to do tonight?"_

"_The same thing we do every night Connie… try to drive Stephanie crazy… and take over the world. We'll start with Trenton and work up from there."_

"_Narf."_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Bluzkat, this one's for you!_

_xx Not mine, not making any money xx_

. . . . .

**Stephanie Plum and the Deathly 'Hallos'**

. . . . .

_**Chapter Seven - Wednesday, August 21**_

* * *

_**7:56 AM (Dialing). Ringing.**_

_"Hallo_?"

"Where is he?"

"He who?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Lula."

"Who's playing?"

"Listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once. I want Rex snuggled up safe and sound in his soup can before I come home tonight otherwise, heads _will_ roll."

"Harry, I have no idea what you're talking about." _Pause_. "But if I did, hypothetically speaking, know of an alleged perpetrator who might have apprehended Rex well I'm sure they were only looking out for your best interests. You know, keeping you safe for your own good, seeing as how Rex is a COLD BLOODED KILLER! And, I'm totally confident it would have nothing to do at all with blackmail in an attempt to enlist your co-operation in, if I do say so myself, a most Slytherin scheme to bag one very sexy man in black. If you catch my drift."

"A little coaching from the Merry Men, Lula?"

_Harumph_. "You know Harry I did some research online last night and do you know what I found out? Hmmm? Hamsters, _real hamsters_ mind you, have a life expectancy of three years. THREE YEARS! Harry, just how long have you had Rex now? I'm just saying—"

"Lula, you're driving me crazy! This has to stop. I'm ready to _'pull a Dumbledore'_ and take a dive off the Astronomy Tower."

"Ah ha! You thought that was fishy too, eh? I mean really, _Avada Kedavra_ someone and they drop dead on the spot right? But not Dumbledore. He gets AKed and does this spectacular header off the tower. Can you say Drama Queen?"

"..."

"Hey, maybe Rex is just under a Disillusionment charm to throw you off his scent, the sneaky bugger. Oh, or maybe he was taken by a herd of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. I thought I saw some of those hanging around your parking lot last week."

_Sigh_. "Okay, you know what, _Mione? _ I give up, you win. Even though it's against my better judgement, I'm in. I just hope to hell you know what you're doing."

"Harry, Harry, Harry. Have I ever led you astray?"

"Well, there was that time with the mountain troll in the girl's lavatory—"

"Galloping goblins, make one teensy tiny mistake when you're eleven and no one ever lets you forget it."

"Look Lula, I'm on my way to my mom's to pick up something for the guys and then I've got a 9 o'clock meeting at Rangeman. I'm going to have my phone turned off all morning so how about I just meet you at Pino's for lunch and then you can fill me in on your nefarious plans?"

"Now you're talking my language. Later, Potty."

_Growls_. "See ya, _Hermy-Own-Ninny."_

"Oi, now butchering my name was totally uncalled for! Ya know, it took me years until the first movie was eventually released for people to finally get my name right."

"Pot, cauldron, Lula. I think we understand each other."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**8:58 AM**_ _**Turning off.**_

* * *

_**11:36 AM Turning on. Please wait. Connecting… **_

_**Missed call. You have one new message.**_

_**Message 1: Wed Aug 21 at 10:30 AM Beep. **_"Hello Stephanie. This is your mother. Well? How much did everyone enjoy my French faire? I'm having guests from the Busy Ladies Gourmet Cooking Club over this afternoon and I want to give them all the delicious details. Call me right away."

* * *

_**11:49 AM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)**_

"Hey, Lula. I'm about five minutes away."

"Yeah, about that Harry, there's been a change of plans. We're meeting at the Senior Center instead."

"Oh, why's that?"

"Well, the Senior Center has wireless internet so we can do a live feed and we needed a larger place to fit everyone in. Besides, it's Mac and Cheese Wednesday. _BOO-YAH!"_

"A live feed? You're joking right?"

"Some of the guys in the Com Room couldn't make the meeting. I thought it was the least we could do."

"Lula! Just who exactly is in on this thing?"

_Snorts_. "It would probably be easier to say who wasn't."

"I'm waiting..."

"You're serious? Okay well let's see, your mother for sure is totally clueless. And then there's your sister and Joe, of course. Mr. Valduchi is still pissed that you ratted him out to his wife about his secret stash of Playboy magazines." _Pause_. "Oh there's...nope, never mind. I see Sister Mary-Elizabeth over at the punch bowl but then again, she could just be here for your Grandma's "Bumping and Grinding to the Oldies' exercise class she's running with her crew after the meeting. Or it could be the Bingo game that's scheduled after that."

"Uguh."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**3:26 PM (Dialing.) Ringing.**_

"Hello?"

"Hi mom, it's me."

"Stephanie, I've been waiting to hear from you all day! The ladies from my Gourmet Cooking Club are here. Did you know the president of the club is a guest columnist for the The Times Food Section. I am quite confident that my little soiree this afternoon will make tomorrow's newspaper." _Titters with excitement. _"So tell me, how much did they love my breakfast spread?"

"Yeah, mom about that. I just came from the infirmary and Bobby wanted me to ask you about the quiche."

"Oh, he wants my recipe? Well, I don't usually share it with just anyone but I think I can make an exception. The pastry turned out so flakey, the filling was exceptionally smooth and creamy..."

"Uh mom, I hate to break this to you but apparently everyone who had the quiche is now puking their guts out in every available toilet in Rangeman. They all have food poisoning."

"..."

"Who...What? Are you sure? H-h-how many?"

"Well, let's just say in one fell swoop you've managed to take out half of Rangeman Inc. Congrats?"

"..."

"Mom, are you still there? Anyway, Bobby wanted me to let you know in case you still had some quiche left over. He didn't want you give it to anyone else."

"But, but...we just finished lunch. It was lovely." _Whispers_. "I made a lovely fresh exotic fruit salad, freshly squeezed orange juice with champagne, assorted homemade French pastries and the pièce de ré·sis·tance_...my quiche Lorraine_."

"Damn."

"I, I'm going to g-g-go now Stephanie. I'm not feeling very well."

"Bye, Mom."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**4:09 PM ('Bootylicious' ring tone)**_

"Harry, I just heard from Tank. He said to tell you 'The wizard has left Honeyduke's'. I repeat, 'The wizard has left Honeyduke's'. News at six."

_Nervous laughter that borders on hysteria._ "Yeah, right. And in other news, we're all going to _fucking_ DIE! Now here's Steve with the sports. Good God, Lula. _What—Have—We—Done_?"

"Don't turn into a Nervous Neville on me now, Harry. Besides, it's a little late to be having second thoughts, don't ya think? The Hogwart's Express has definitely left the station so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride."

_Sigh_. "I guess we may as well be hanged for a dragon as an egg.*"

"That's the spirit. Fifty points to Gryffindor for unabashed plagiarism and reckless bravery in the face of imminent death."

_**"WHAT?"**_

"I'll be by to pick you up in ten. Oh, and bring some of Ella's yummy cookies it's going to be a long drive."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**4:56 PM ('Hey Mama' ring tone)**_

"Hello? Mare is that you? I can barely hear you over all of the noise."

"Steph, it's incredible. The guys set up an enormous temporary screen in the parking lot of the Senior Centre and it's turned into a huge tailgate party. I think half of Trenton is here. Pino's is selling pizza and your Grandma is charging admission. Dougie and Mooner arranged for jugglers and a clown and they're selling 'Harry's My Homeboy' t-shirts. They're making a killing!"

_**('Oh-ho-ho-hooooo, Oh-ho-ho-hoooo, Oh-ho-ho-hoooo, Oh-ho-ho-hoooo, Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting…')**_ _Snickers__**. **_"And we're watching um...home movies."

"I don't even want to know—"

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**6:00 pm**_

_**Text Message Sent From: Tank **_The package has been gift wrapped and delivered.

_**Text Message Sent To: Tank **_Why do I feel like I've just seen a Grim?

_**Text Message From: Tank **_Bombshell, it's all you now. Good luck soldier.

_**Text Message From: Tank **_Piece of advice. Don't let him see your fear.

_**Text Message From: Tank **_Be aware of all of the exits. You might need one.

_**Text Message From: Tank **_And it couldn't hurt to have Lula keep the car running...just in case.

_**Text Message From: Tank **_If we don't hear back from you, we'll send reinforcements.

_**Text Message From: Tank **_And a clean-up crew. **: )**

_**Text Message Sent To: Tank **_Oh crap.

* * *

_**7:38 PM (Dialing.) Ringing.**_

"Yo, Connie."

"Lula, thank God! We've been trying to reach you guys forever. Where's Steph? What happened with Ranger? What's going on? Talk, dammit."

"We're at this cabin in the middle of nowhere. There's like, all these...trees and nature-y shit everywhere. It's unnatural. I'm talking the boonies, the sticks, freakin' Palookaville, U.S.A.. What the hell was Tank thinkin' when he chose this place? Seriously, what do people do for breakfast around here; there ain't a Mickey D's or a Dunkin' Donuts for miles. I'm starvin' just thinkin' about it."

"Focus, Lula. Is Steph okay?"

"Oh, she's in the cabin right now with Ranger. She left me her phone so she wouldn't be distracted."

"Well, where the hell are _you_?"

"Are you kidding? I ain't leavin' this car, there's wild animals out there."

"Can you at least see what's happening in the cabin?"

"..."

"LULA!"

"Oh, for the love of... Just a sec." _**(A car door can be heard in the background opening and then closing.) **_

"Okay I can see them both inside. Hmmm, Ranger's still knocked out. I hope the guys tied up Ranger nice and tight; he's going to be one fire-spitting Hungarian Horntail when he wakes up. Damn, I can't hear shit out here but it looks like Ranger's waking up." _Pause_. "Steph's trying to talk to him." _Pause_. "There's lots of Italian hand gesturing going on." _Pause_. "Oh, he's lookin' pretty pissed."

**(Five minutes later)** "Still talking." _Pause_. "More talking." _Sigh._ "Man, we didn't think this through, did we? This is boring. Should've had the guys plant a microphone inside."

**(Another Five minutes later)** "Blah, blah, blah." _Pause_. "And some more blah, bloody blah, blah. 'Kay, I'm cold and my feet are killin' me. Connie, I'll call you back when somethin' more exciting happens. I'm gonna go back to the car. I think there's some cookies left and I picked up the latest copy of Cosmo before we left Trenton. There's this article about new sex toys to drive your man wild in bed that I wanted to read."

"Fine Lula, but keep us updated. The betting pool is up to two thousand and this mama needs a new pair of Jimmy Choo's."

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**9:21 PM ('Theme from The Godfather' ring tone) **_

_Yawn_. "Hello?"

"Lula, you never called us back!"

"Sup, Connie." _Yawns again._

"It sounds like you just woke up. Were you sleeping? What the hell's going on?"

"Hey, just back off. I wasn't sleeping, I was...resting my eyes. All of this scheming is hard on a person's constitution, ya know." _Harumph_. "Lemme take a quick peek inside the cabin and see what's going down."

_**(A car door can be heard in the background opening and then closing.)**_

_Gasp_. "Er, Connie? Did we ever talk about a plan B if things went pear-shaped?"

"Why, what's happened? You're scaring me, Lula."

_Whispers_, "There's no one inside. I think this might be a good time to get the hell outta here and plan our next move." **(**_**The sound of Lula knocking over garbage cans can be heard in the background.) **_"Shite."

_**(An angry male voice can be heard, 'Hello, Lula.')**_

_**Click**_.

* * *

_**11:59 PM ('I Gotta Feeling' ring tone from Ranger's phone)**_

"Hey Lula. How was the drive back to Trenton?"

"Great! Tank stopped at a Mickey D's drive-thru once we hit civilization. We're at your apartment right now. Tank and Lester were telling me about the epic party they had at the Senior Center after we left."

_"Gee, and I missed all the fun."_

"Oh, don't worry. They posted videos on YouTube so you can watch it later."

"My sarcasm is wasted on you isn't it?"

"Hey, you'll be happy to know that Rex turned up safe and sound in his soup can. Oh, and I still have your cell phone. I'll leave it next to Rex's cage. Lester said something about adding a few new features you're sure to enjoy. He also left a flyer for some upcoming workshops. Don't know what that's all about."

_**(Giggles heard in the background. 'Ranger stop that, I can't talk when you do that.')**_

"Well, well, well. Someone sounds like they swallowed Felix Felicis and got lucky tonight. You sound like the kneazle who ate the canary."

_Giggles again._ "Ranger says 'hi and he said he promises not to kill you. Much."

_Gulps_. "Do I need to 'be in the wind' for a while?"

"Nah. He was joking. I think. But seriously Lula...thanks. You know, for getting me and Ranger together. Finally!"

"Gods, I'm bloody brilliant! I should run for the Minister of Magic."

"Hey, you promised to stop with the bad British accent and all of that Harry Potter insanity if I went along with your plan. I held up my part of the bargain—"

"Yes, I do seem to recall that I gave you a wizarding oath didn't I?"

"Grrrrr."

"Oh fine. Damn girl, you need to lighten up. But you can stop worrying. I'm done with all of that Potter crap now. I've totally moved on. Harry Potter is so 'yesterday's news'."

"Really? Well, that's great. And Lula...thanks again."

"Pffft. It weren't nothin' girlfriend. Gotta go."

"Okay night, Lula."

"Night, Bella."

"Bella? Who the hell is Bella?"

"..."

"Oh no! No. No. No. Can I have a great big Hell NO! And just...**NO**!"

"Tell Ranger, real men sparkle."

_**Click**_**.**

"Mischief Managed."

_**Finite Incantatem**_

. . . . .

_A/N: Well, there you have it, a happy ending for all! _

_Steph was happy she finally got her man. Ranger was happy he finally got his woman. _

_Lula was really happy she won first prize in a national fan fiction writing contest. 'Course, no one had the heart to tell her it was actually for the worst written porn, ever! But hey, I say if you're going to suck at something, be the best damn suck-er out there. (Oh, there are so many places I could have taken this...all completely tasteless and most referencing Lula's former profession...but I think I'll leave it up to your imagination.)_

_Ellen was, for the first time in her life, happy that her mother and Steph made the front page of the __The Times__ (although she could have definitely done without the half page, colour, above the fold, picture of Edna and her groupies leading a massive exotic dance class in the Senior Center parking lot). Why did this make her so happy you're wondering? Well, this meant that Ellen's little 'vomitous' cooking mishap was thankfully relegated to the bottom of page nineteen, easily forgotten under an ad for 'A & G Appliances'. (Yeah, yeah I know... a happy ending for Ellen? What the hell is up with that? So sue me; even I felt sorry for her by the end of this story.)_

_Lester was happy even though Steph still avoided his Blackberry workshops. This meant that he could continue to annoy her by messing with her phone ring-tones and then they could both partake in 'make-up waffles' at the Silver Dollar Diner the morning after. Mmmm, both fun and delicious!_

_Edna, Mabel and the boys were happy because they scored enough cash for an all-expense paid va-ca in Vegas. They got Wayne Newton's autograph and Frank got an 'Edna-Free' week. Can you say win-win?_

_Connie and Mary Lou happily split the 'Steph and Ranger FINALLY Getting Together' betting pool which had reached a whooping 2600 bucks. Can you say 'Bloomingdales, here we come!'_

_Hector was happy he finally had something in common with Lula as they're both card carrying members of 'Team Jacob'. Seriously, have you seen those yummy pecs? Humana, humana._

. . . . .

_* Appears in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix according to 'Harry Potter Lexicon'._

_** Mr. Valduchi and Sister Mary-Elizabeth both made an appearance in Drop Dead Fred._


End file.
